Forging Forward at Fifty

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No one knows what the next corner holds for you. When I took that turn at fifty, beyond my very creative imagination, I had not one indication that, the turn was going to be as sharp and life altering as it was. My now ex-husband had started another life with an uglier model ten years prior. I knew it, yes, but denied it. He was a thief, manipulator, and intimidator to everyone, but because I took those dumbass vows, I tried to keep the commitment. He drained my bank account, stopped paying the mortgage and my car payment. Yes, I worked, but did not make enough; he knew this. Our kids were gone and much to their credit, they stayed clear of him. They knew he was evil and he treated them horribly through all of their childhood. As it turned out, the only person he protected financially and with a beautiful home is his mother.

I was forced to relocate across the country to live with my godparents. This, as it turned out was yet another prison sentence. They provided me with a roof and food. At the time I found a job working in blue collar jobs, but prior made my living in administration. I give credit to all those people who do the hard labor jobs; it is not easy. Jobs were and still are hard to find, but when someone’s sister-in-law needs a job, you are quickly replaced. My relatives did not see it that way and accused me of being lazy, which I am anything but. My godfather suggested I go to school to get a degree. He knew I could not afford it and offered to help, also suggesting I look for financial assistance for both school and food. I quickly was accepted for the food stamp program, as I had no income and at the time, trying very hard to complete my divorce. He fought the divorce very hard only to further aggravate me.

I followed through on the research for schools I could attend to get a degree in business and administration and when I compiled all of the information, I presented the same to my godparents. Well apparently, my godfather failed to tell my godmother about this little idea of his and she went nuts. “I’m so glad someone told me about this,” she said. I proceeded to explain that god-dad made the suggestion and there was really no need to get upset. She became very quiet and clearly pissed off, taking this as my cue to leave for a while. The very next day I was told I needed to leave and had two weeks to do so. So much for family being there for you. So much for trusting the people you thought were the only ones you could trust and count on. Needless to say, I just cried. I cried for days. I had only one place left in the world to go and that was straight back cross-country to share a small apartment with my kid. He was not happy about it, but what was he going to do; turn his mom away and leave her on the street?

I took what little money I had to rent a small U-haul, packed up what little I had left and my two dogs and drove 2000 miles in four days. I had nothing but my clothes and dog food. I max’d out my credit card to pay for the trip. You must understand … I get lost driving from one city to the next in my own hometown. You can see what a very difficult challenge this trip was for me. If one more person says to me, “that which does not kill you, makes you stronger,” I will take them right to the floor.

I arrived unscathed and called this home for a while. It literally took me almost four months to find a job at just above minimum wage. I spent pretty much the last of my money on an old car the day before I was to start my job and went home and cried more. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to find employment, but the life that I had and the best friend that I was forced to leave was more than I could bare. At that time, the only things stopping me from ending it all were my dogs. I miss my best friend so much it’s unbearable. The life I had is over.

My kid then let me know that our sharing a residence was getting to be too much to handle and that I should consider finding a cheap place of my own. Are you kidding me? 

My life is currently not easy; I live minimally. I am in a place where my dogs can have room…no TV, no music, landlord never around to fix things. I do have the internet (obviously); no friends yet and living at the mercy of others for just about everything. I am not homeless, thank god. Starting over at fifty years of age is a very difficult physical and emotional  challenge. If anyone out there shares my situation…talk to me. I could use the companionship, as I am sure you can too.

Life goes on. It would be ideal to live in a world where people cared about you but most do not I have found thus far. Are you one that does perhaps?


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