Forgot What It’s Like

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I wish I can remember that last time I had sex. Okay I lie, I do remember, but good sex? Mind-blowing sex? Um … good question. I think my vagina is more afraid of the male tool than I am.

I don’t even have a libido anymore! My estrogen has been seriously low for over a year now, and I’ve gone the longest I’ve ever had without sex since I lost my virginity when I was sixteen. An eating disorder screwed up my hormones, and I haven’t had my period for over a year. And boy, does it affect your “mood.”

I miss it. I really do. But to be honest, I don’t miss it as much as I would like to, because I’m not looking for it. I’m actually straying away from it purposely. The last time I had sex, it fucking hurt! I’m really tiny, and hell even a “pathetically” sized individual could spare me an Ouch factor. I’m too nervous to go back to a vibrator, and why the hell do I even need it? I haven’t even masturbated all year! What a change … what a change.

I need my hormones to start working again, I need to have sex! I need to WANT to have sex! I think it will get me out of my rut as well. But I can’t force myself, it didn’t work the last time. It just freaked me out.

If this isn’t the feeling of being a “born again virgin,” I don’t know what is! This sucks.


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