Well, I’ve don’t know if I have ever been this messed up and levelheaded at the same time. I’m confused. One moment I am sure I made the right decision to go it alone and then all of a sudden, I’m lonely and doubting myself. I think about what I left behind.
I’ve been separated since May, and it was my doing. I take full responsibility for my actions. I don’t have any answers but I know I needed to be on my own. How can someone be so confused about his or her feelings? The thing I miss the most besides my/his dog is the image of what was. The security of having someone by your side. What I don’t miss is going to bed next to someone every single night; that can be over rated. I sleep better now that I sleep alone without the snoring. I can sleep later without feeling guilty.
Ahh, there is that word: guilty. Guilt can paralyze you into depression. I have learned this once before with the death of my dog; you’d think I’d learn by now how to manage it. Better yet, how to let go. Why do we hang onto what drags us down? Maybe I’m guilty of being happy so I don’t allow myself to feel the pleasure of being happy when I know he isn’t. It was the same thing with my dog’s death. The guilty freedom of not being obligated to responsibility. This is where it stems—the root of all guilt. Not allowing pleasure in.
My New Years Resolution: to let go and let life’s pleasures in.
Anyone have advice on where to begin?
