I have been lonely before. Everyone has. And I always thought I knew loneliness like I know my letters and numbers, but it turns out I was wrong. Turns out, there is a line which should not be crossed when it comes to being lonely (not alone, but miserably lonely), and if you cross that line, stupid things start to happen. I once heard that pain makes people dangerous, and now I know just how dangerous the lonely heart can be.
It’s not lack of love that has me in this state, nor lack of being loved, for that matter. In a complicated situation, I committed to spending a long time without my significant other; it’s already been 3 months, and many, many more to go. So every little factor contributed to my actual breakdown: the fact that I had absolutely no choice over this, or that he didn’t have much of a choice, either. There’s the fact that we’re so far away from each other, and can no longer talk. Then, of course, comes the fact that I could just leave him and find someone else to fulfill my present needs, if I weren’t so desperately and stupidly in love with him. He loves me, I love him, we have an amazing relationship, and I refuse to give up on that because someone else imposed it on us.
But I’ve never been so lonely in my entire life. It’s a loneliness so deep, so haunting, that it overwhelms me when I least expect it, with no signs or indicators that it’s coming. So lately I’ve been having public breakdowns (at my university, clubs, family reunions), as well as very private and hurtful ones. I’ve begged for attention, for company. I’ve been going from one extreme to the other in a matter of seconds. I’m guessing this is as bipolar as it gets. The joy of my days is suddenly taken from me for no reason, and I’m left with incapacity to breathe and think that scares my very soul. What’s becoming of me? I wonder how long I’ll be able to stand this. Will he find me crazy and hairless when he comes back?
Then there’s temptation, a complete disregard for others’ feelings, a pure hatred of those who are happy, and an extreme lack of commitment to my own life and future. Many times I’ve come close to throwing myself in capable arms to see if the pain and despair will wash away, but the memory of my love has kept me from it. Will it work forever? I hope so, but I don’t know. Is it wrong for the hungry person to take the food that’s offered to him? Maybe. Being lonely has made me mean, sarcastic, detestable, or as my best friend described me yesterday, “a bitter old bitch.” It’s killing me emotionally, and the physical killing might start soon if I don’t start taking care of myself again.
Then yesterday when I got his letter, my stupid heart ignored everything I just said, and for some time I forgot all of my miserable nights and days, and forgot how my skin has aged ten years in these past three months from all the crying and drinking. Back to the letter, he said he’ll always be thinking of us. He admires my strength (if only he knew). He loves me. Then I felt I wasn’t lonely alone; we are in this fight together, even if apart. He finished with saying “Keep your head up, and I’ll do the same”. Maybe loneliness is the price we have to pay for all the happiness we share with our loved ones. He’s just as lonely, and that united us in a sad way. I’ll wait for him just like he’s waiting for me. Until then, I hope loneliness doesn’t kill.