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I Bought Back My Soul

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You know how people often refer to someone who has “made a hard choice at a very high personal cost” as “selling their soul to the Devil”? You know, because they had “no choice” or they were “tempted beyond escape”? These decisions were reckless and expensive. And I made one eight years ago, I did.

I literally felt like I sold my soul to the Devil, but it wasn’t anything really evil, just a selling out. I sold out. I sold out to stability and comfort and safety and provision, all in the name of motherhood. Yes, I chose to give my baby boy a calm and sure life on the spot, rather than an uncertain and unsteady and anxious life for who knows how long, I got married. I said I do. I spoke vows to a man I did not love and I entered a lifelong contract with a friendly man who was not my love. And it killed me.

I wept for hours on our wedding night and I was embittered at my decision. How could he marry me when he knew I didn’t love him—at all. He loved me, but I didn’t love him, and I was trapped and I had no alternatives so I did it. I said yes to security and bye bye to love, romance, curled toes, wet kisses, and butterflies in my stomach. I had pain in my stomach instead.

So it was what it was. It was a mistake. And should I punish myself eternally for such a foolish young thing to do? Well, after eight years I said, “HELL NO!”

Listen, we all have one life to live here on this planet and that’s all the chances at happiness we get. We are ridiculous to waste it for “piety” or “preservation” because that is it. Nothing more can be gained after we’ve sold out and left our fate and joy to the winds of change. I realized this and I grabbed my crappy life by the horns and I high tailed it out of there. Whew! Felt like I lost 220 pounds in an instant and was literally flying through the air. Freedom. FREEDOM! It was a beautiful thing, a beautiful day for me that last March when I said, “Here’s the key to your new house now go live in it by yourself because I’m leaving you.” And that was that. It was monumental. My freedom and my fate were now in my hands and boy oh boy was I going.

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