Dreams are a funny thing. They can make your day, or they can wreak havoc on your mental and emotional state, and keep you off track for days. I have really horrible dreams a lot of times, but the sleeping dreams aren’t my problem as much as I had once thought. The dreams of my life, and of my future, the dreams I have when awake, those of what I would like to happen for Chris and me … those are the ones that are keeping up at night lately.
They say life is what happens when you’re making other plans. That is so very true! I had what I thought was a simple, but wonderful plan for my future, and at one time (which was just about a year ago), I actually thought for the first time in my life, it was going to happen! I have basically no family to speak of, and I am a single dad raising my son alone (Grandmother, Mom, and my son—that’s it!). All I have wanted for so very long now is a family. I want a women who loves me for who and what I am, and all I ask for besides that is—don’t lie to me, cheat on me, walk out on me, make promises you don’t keep, and give the same effort back that you receive (e.g., love, respect, caring, attention, and time).
Now is that a horribly outrageous list of needs, especially for the one who is supposed to love you? I didn’t think it was all that much. I thought most of those would be given, or am I wrong? I certainly hope not. I didn’t think I was all that demanding; I kinda thought most of those came standard, with that thing called LOVE! I know I am not perfect, no one really is, but when you love someone so very much, that just the thought of them makes you feel elated, they will seem perfect to you. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I know I get to see her (even if it’s just a lunch date), I could talk to her about anything and listen to her for hours, never tire from hearing her voice, still get nervous about the way I look when she’s around, she gives me chills and takes my breath away when she kisses me, and it feels like heaven on her lips!
I felt so alive and loved when we would walk together and she took my hand. I feel like I’m twelve years old again and I’m on my first real date going to the movies with the girl from down the street! She helped me to see the world better, she helped me to look at life with more positivity, and she made me believe in love again. I didn’t believe in “signs” before I met her, but she made me believe in myself again. I actually believe at times I need her, just because my heart isn’t whole with her gone.
I know now that everyone has another part to them, your “other half,” the person who makes you whole. I found her finally, and she finishes me; she’s the completion of my heart and soul.
I thought once that she needed me as well. I believed I was what she wanted. I considered that she believed in me, us, and our love together. I believed I would be in her future. I saw it in her eyes at one time … I only wish I could see it now … I don’t believe anymore. She is my dream and now she’s fading away.
I don’t sleep anymore because I’m fading out of her dreams. What did I do that was so wrong? Why can’t I be what she wants? I remember a time when I was and I saw it glitter in her eyes. I love her with all I have and all that I am, wishing that was enough. Guess that was a dream, too …
I haven’t been sleeping because my dreams are fading, and I never thought my dreams would hurt so much.
Help me, please. How do I get my dream and my heart back, and maybe even sleep again?