I Love Him So ... It Hurts

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When I was young, I always fancied Disney movies, how the beautiful princess will be swept up by her handsome prince. Yes, every time I feel lovey dovey I always tell myself … “Someday my prince will come.”

The most striking Disney movie which took a bulk of my interest was the movie, Aladdin. Oh I see myself as Princess Jasmine, strong, beautiful grounded princess loving this simple, determined, and good-natured man. Of course, he wasn’t a prince by birth and yet most of his qualities surely earn him the right to be one though. 

And now, in some pre-destined circumstance, I have found this man, my “honey.” At first of course, I didn’t like him at all. He was proud, troublesome, and in a way, annoying. We just met in chat … and my first angry sob came from him after he made speculations that “You’re fake!” I thought it was over, and I was so very happy … learning that this guy is NOT interesting enough to waste my time. 

Mysteriously, this guy pops out once more, and asked forgiveness for what he has done. And inside me, I was weighing the possibility … “He’s a psychopath! Am I going to give him a second chance?” And as I stared at him on the Web cam, something inside me … a soft murmur from my subconscious urging me … “Go on.”

It was a turbulence of chatting, being sweet, being lazy, being angry, being outright flirty. And as we chatted every day, the things we talked about became closer and closer to what I comfortably call FRIENDSHIP.   

And sooner than I thought, this friendship thing is turning out into something else. But it was coming from his own words, “We are just close friends planning to get married.” WHAT? I stunned myself. I had never heard such nonsense; I am a girl of concrete stronghold … anything abstract could actually shake my very foundation. But here, I see a man, asking me just to be friends … but we are planning to get married—this is weird and luckily enough for him, I never back down a good challenge.

As our so-called “close friendship” develops, we started calling each other with sweet endearments, and yes, he is my “Honey.” I learned to adjust with his shortcomings and I am very sure he is adjusting himself to mine as well. Nobody is perfect; we came from different worlds and to adjust, to be understanding, and to trust are the only things we could hold on to. The love is there but we have to nurture it gently and carefully, it is a very complicated situation. Hopefully we can survive. Time would just tell, after all the Taj Mahal was never built overnight. 

So, what is this … I thought when you love somebody it would be all icing on a sweet chocolate cake? Huh … as time passes by, as I keep telling myself … “I accept him for what he is … I want to make him happy. I love him.” And yet, these words, like a permanent tattoo of decision in my flesh, soon are unraveling a different perspective. Getting to know him more slowly makes me realize that accepting this stranger is going to be more of a challenge. He tells me what he likes and dislike, he tells me what I should or should not do. To the point that I am being transformed. The positive changes pleases me, I am now a vegetarian and my weight actually dropped, making me trim down, allowing me to wear clothes that I only dreamt when I was in college and very round. But my problem is … “I want him to be happy” and yet, my efforts seem not to please him so. He is a serious man who seems to have a big weight of frustrations. When I am serious, he tells me not to be serious for that is his job … and my job is to make his pressures lighter. When I am very funny, he will comment that I am childish. When I am sad, he will comfort me and yet remind me that he likes the strong me and not the weak one. My God, am I stepping on forbidden ground which angels fear to tread …

My days are counting fast, sooner or later, he will come, and we will finally meet face to face. Will I embrace this man and his totality, accept his past, share his present, and be with him in his future? Or will a lightning strike me and wake me up … because surely, when I make a decision … it will be for life. And I only have one life to live!


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