I’m starting to wonder what’s going on in my life. Why have things turned out the way they have? Can I possibly stay married for another twelve years to the same man? When I was in my late teens into my early twenties, I thought my life was so terrible. My mom used drugs and alcohol and I was in an abusive relationship with a boy three years younger than me who sucked out all my self-esteem.
In my late twenties (until my early thirties), I discovered there was a whole life out there and no one was going to stop me from living it. I had many different relationships with men. I was independent, had my own apartment, and no longer answered to anyone. I defined who I was. I worked during the day for a health club. During my lunch hour, I either enjoyed a liquid lunch with friends or I worked out with my private trainer. After work I went to the Art Student’s League where I picked up where I left off with my passion for art.
The men I dated were not really interested in a relationship, which seemed to work out fine for me since I was no way ready to give another ten years of my life to a relationship after losing so much of my important years of youth and self-development to the wrong person. I was having a wonderful time in my life. However, in my early thirties, I realized I wanted someone who cared enough about me to be in my life when I wasn’t partying. I started to ask myself who will be there for me when I’m lonely or just feeling sick.
I spent two years having the best sex of my life. I had no problem at all attracting the opposite sex. I could almost always be sure if I was in the mood, my bed would not be empty and I would wake to some beautiful exotic man in the morning. The thrill of it all was calling the shots. I decided if I wanted to see the person again or not. There were men who tried to pull the whole “I’m a stud and all woman want me” routine. Those I enjoyed the most. After having my way with them, I would make it known that I had a very busy schedule and they would have to leave. Oh, yes, and leave me your number—I’ll call you some time. It was fun.
That all got really tired when I decided I really needed someone to love me unconditionally. I started to worry that I would always be alone and how I would love to become a mother. The thought of being someone’s wife was not really in the cards for me. The thought of having to live my life worrying about a man’s feelings all the time was not the life for me. In my early thirties, I met my husband. I fought with all my might to run from this one. He actually told me he was going to marry me. All I could think was “Run.”
Things were different with him from the very start. He did not sleep with me after the first date and we honestly did not date long. I met him in February and by April after a few months of great sex, I found out I was pregnant. Two years of dancing, late nights at bars and great sex with my choice of men and now I found myself pregnant. All I could think to myself was that this was it. I would have this kid no matter what and I would finally have someone to love unconditionally and have that love returned. I decided to break the news to him regarding my pregnancy and I did not expect any excitement from him. He was so happy. There was one real issue: he had a daughter who was ten years old at the time. I went quickly from not wanting a relationship to getting married by October of the same year. One month later, I was a mother to a beautiful baby girl and a wife. Wow! How the heck did this all happen?
Now, eleven years later, I am a mother to two and he has a daughter in college. I no longer paint or work at the corporate office for a major gym. I now work as a Physical Therapy Aide for a private office. I look back now and I’m actually feeling sad I didn’t live in that single life mode much longer. As I prepare my kids for their return to school and I prepare to readjust myself to being back at home and off the military base where my husband is stationed, I ask myself, “How the heck did I get here? How do I make it all stop?”
My friend since childhood tells me, “Hang on to that marriage.” I honestly at times wish I had her single life. Is this midlife crisis on its way? I don’t look at myself in the mirror and like the reflection I see. I don’t have the chance to feel sexy and have the sex I used to have in the past. My sex life with my husband was always great. I thought to myself, I was so lucky. Now, I just wonder how much further down hill is this going to go. I wonder if I should change my career. Do I lose weight? I even wonder if it’s time for me to move on.
I don’t want to hurt anyone ever but will they hurt me while I’m so busy worrying about what to do without hurting them? I know I’m not the only woman in the world to go through this and I know men also go through this. While trying so hard to retain or find what I have lost, can I keep what I’ve worked so hard to attain all these years ? How do marriages last fifty years and what’s hidden in a marriage? Stop the anxiety and get me off this ride!
