Before I write, I have to get the right song. I play it over and over again, and it puts me in a certain mood setting that allows the words to flow right out of my fingertips effortlessly.
Now, I don’t know if they are any good, I just know that at the end of it, I feel satisfied and that my writing was smooth and as I read it out loud, the ‘voice’ felt genuine.
For the past few attempts at writing my thoughts down, none of the songs I have in my music library seemed to work. Therefore, I choose to go for no song at all. I could only hear the sounds that the laptop makes to keep itself on and working, the sounds of my typing and the sounds of the ceiling fan. I hear nothing else, and for now, it feels … right.
It seems a bit silly sometimes when I thought about my dream of someday finding and being with my true love. What a cheesy concept. What a silly dream, eh? Am I not grateful for the battles that feminist women have fought for over the past I dunno, hundred years? Could I have a bigger dream please? But no, the one that concerns to me most is that someday, I will not only be loved and be married, but to be loved by and married to the man of my dreams.
I am picky, like that. But people say ‘picky’ like it is a bad thing. Shouldn’t we pick carefully the one whom we choose to spend the rest of our lives with? It is, to me the most important decision that you will ever make. Your success, happiness depends on it.
Yet, I am humbled by the fact that “Jodoh adalah di tangan Tuhan.” (a Malay saying and belief in Islam, meaning that your future spouse is determined by God) I wondered the other day: my future spouse has been pre-selected by God; therefore, what is the point of wanting to try so hard to ensure that I choose the ‘right’ one? What is the point of understanding what it is that I need and want from the opposite sex? What is the point of dreaming and praying and hoping that I will someday finally meet and be with The One?
I cried. In front of my mother, I whined, “Oh! What if in the end, the one who is destined for me is not so much of the man that I’d like him to be? What if, he turns out to be just awful and crappy?” (Of course, I said all this in plain Malay, which sounds all the more whiny!)
I am awful, like that.
How arrogant could a girl be to think that she deserves a certain type of man, and chooses to dismiss another. I know, yes I am just awful – but forgive me, I could not help myself. It pains me to simply let go, and say “Whatever.” in the selection of my future spouse. I find it difficult to let go of my dream. I would lose faith, lose any hope if I were to say “I don’t care, whoever lar!” Because I am not the kind of person who can just go with it. I have to try. That’s how I approach everything else in life—I strive. I cannot just sit still, I have to go and get it. That’s my nature. Therefore, for me to approach finding love in a method, which is to simply let go and not try just goes completely against my very nature. I cannot do so. It is simply not who I am.
Salma Hayek said,
“Life is about chasing after the things you truly think are worth it, even if they don’t happen. I’d rather have nothing than know I settled for something I didn’t want.” I relate completely, Salma.
So as I wept in front of my mother, wondering if the reason that I have yet to find a man who could treat me the way I want to be treated, is because I am simply choosing the wrong type of men. That God is telling to give up and go for another kind of men so many women I can relate to, finally, end up choosing. Christina Aguilera, for instance, ended up with the very nerdy-looking Jordan Bratman – she seems very happy. And there are many others, in real life, that have made similar choices with their spouses and who do end up being very happy, indeed. Should I give up too? The very thought of giving up is enough to make me cry—even harder.
I dream to be with a certain type of man—the kind of man that I am grateful for, and also, I am proud to be with. He is not for me to show-off to the world, but I would like to feel a certain way for the one I adore: I want to adore him. I wish to respect him and desire him as well. To admire him for being who he is, despite any of his flaws and weaknesses—in my eyes, I am crazy about him, still. That is how I wish to feel about my guy. He does not need to be gorgeous-looking and amazing to anyone else, but to me, he is perfect as he is. I hope to be “romantically attracted” to him, quoting my mother. Naturally, to feel the way I feel about him, I would be proud of him and thankful to be with him.
I dream of a love that is equal. The kind where it does not separate the responsibilities of giving and taking: both share that responsibility. Both, give and take. Both take pleasure in pleasing the other. Both loves and allows the other to love. Both have freedom to express love securely and as often as they wish to. That is what love means to me: to sum it in a song, I would choose Black Eyed Peas “Meet Me Halfway.” It takes two people to make it work, make it last – and for love to be equal, it takes two people who both value the other, and themselves too. They see how much the other is worth, and they also know their own worth. That is equal love. That is love, to me.
While I am a go-getter, I cannot go all-the-way in finding love. Quoting Fergie in the song, ‘Meet Me Halfway’, “I can’t go any further than this.” There is a certain extent to which I can try, but I will not, (not that I cannot), do all the work. I am a girl and do you know what girls want? Girls want to be wanted. But I have learned, it does not stop there. A girl wants a guy who will not only fight to ‘get’ her, but more importantly, to keep her. Someone who knows their worth, and will not risk losing them by letting them go. That is what girls want. That is what I want.
I am proud of the fact that I value myself. I have much to offer and I want to appreciate someone the way they deserve to. I do not expect to only be treated, but I hope to treat as well. But here’s the thing: romantic love is not unconditional love. There is a condition: Reciprocation. I want to be with someone who values my worth—the kind that does not take me for granted, nor leaves any room for myself to doubt.
In a recent experience, I learned that I am capable of taking a risk for someone. I am capable of letting go of my pride for a chance to be with the guy I wanted. I am capable of trying my best when presented with someone that I felt was worthy of a really good shot. But, I have yet to meet someone who is capable of doing the same for me, who feels the same about me.
The ironic thing is, after all the tears and worry, finally, I am able to let go. I am able to rely on God that He will bring me the man of my dreams, and present me with the love that I have searched for my whole life, honestly. I do not fear marrying the wrong man anymore, or settling for someone less than what I want. Something clicked, somehow. I realized, quoting my mother, “God has planned and His plan is The Best plan.” Therefore, what is there to worry?
I do not know how my future spouse will turn out to be like, or even whether I will marry at all, but I have total faith now that should I be destined to marry, The One I will finally end up with is The Best for me. I do not feel that I need to search anymore, but that does not mean I do not try. I try by becoming the young woman I believe I am supposed to be, the best version of myself, and hopefully, that young woman I become will attract the right young man.
To that young man I have not met yet; if you build a bridge to get to me, I will do the same for you.
So, can you meet me halfway? I’ll be waiting—right at the borderline.