Over thirty years have passed since the first night I heard a “voice” that would change my life forever! I was searching for a good time, looking for nothing in particular. This was my Saturday evening of fun to escape from my real world. I escaped from time to time. My “letting my hair down” helped relieve some of the tension and stress of being a single mom. I set high standards for raising my children and sometimes it was much more than even I could endure. To escape I would go to the other side of town. Far from my comfort zone or anyone I knew. I became a wanna-be from time to time. Pretending to be a part of the drugs, free love, drinking, in an anything goes environment.
This particular Saturday night, my younger brother reluctantly escorted me to an after hour club on Broadway! Now, mind you my brother was very involved in the church and had long since stopped “clubbing”. His church friends gave house parties; I guess that made a difference! Not!! We were all out there doing the same thing in different places! We were all doing the “ing’ thing: smoking, drinking, eating, dancing, playing cards, and fornicating. Yet, I was made to feel like I was the heathen and unbeliever because I preferred the club scene! I accepted their judgmental viewpoint. I accepted they were hypocrites. I accepted being known as a free spirit. None of those descriptions were the real me so I simply didn’t care what others said about me.
As we entered the club, my brother knew the cashier, the bouncer, and an amazing group of people there. I think he was a little embarrassed. His uncomfortable zone quickly became comfortable and he went his way chatting with old friends. I on the other hand was drawn to the voice of the DJ. He was working the crowd, flirting with all the women, keeping everyone happy, playing the right songs to produce the right results. He was in control and definitely knew what to sell the crowd to increase profits in that club. This was his livelihood.
I had to see what the person behind this magnificent sexy voice looked like. Hmmm, my brother is already at the bar chatting with someone; this would be the perfect advantage point to check out Mr. DJ. As the dance floor cleared and I walked by, I saw a gorgeous just my size big man. Nice arms, nice body, and very good looking! Wow! Little did I know, my brother was talking to his sister. I inwardly drooled. When I finally asked about the d-jay, she informed me that was her younger brother and asked if I wanted to meet him.
My attraction and curiosity became reality and he came into my world. Well, into a very little part of my world. He eagerly came. Every time we were together, it was like the magnetic first time. We were not exclusive unless we were together! He was a lady’s man, an entertainer, enjoying his catches. We shared much of our selves while holding back much. I don’t know how or why two people become attracted to each other. I don’t know why two people stay or leave each other. I do know that if you don’t intentionally choose to build a life with someone, it won’t happen. Love is an action verb and it takes intentional actions to nurture and grow. Nothing just happens. We choose. We plant. We water. We harvest. Or we just stop if we can’t handle it at the time. Our life together simply ended after a few years. No struggle to keep it alive, no discussion to go our separate ways, nothing we just ended. No bitterness, no pain. Just over. I had no extra energy or desire to develop or sustain a long-term relationship. I just wanted to care for my children and my ailing father. He was too young and not ready for the responsibilities I had on my shoulders. He was a man for all seasons and I felt all women.
My father died, and several years later my son died. After which, I made myself be content with work, friends and helping others. I had no joy. I still didn’t seek out or want to invest me in any type of male/female relationship. Enough was enough and I found myself hearing another distinctive voice. God’s voice. I started studying and intentionally seeking out what God had for my life and me. I could not get enough of His Word. I was faced with many trials, tribulations, and storms. Each brought me closer to knowing King Jesus. I was stripped transparent, lost all material things (that I thought I could not live without!) Became humble and learned to live with less. All the time hearing my God’s voice promising to restore me, three fold. Hearing Him say, my latter would be greater than my past. And I knew when God spoke, His Word would not return to Him void. Knowing His move would be swift and mighty. Knowing He was keeping me and carry me through this life’s journey when I could not walk myself.
In the past twenty years, I have evolved into a changed person. Old things have passed away and are not missed. I have forgiven myself for many things and most importantly I have forgiven others. Forgiveness has given me a release to be and has filled me with unspeakable joy. I thank the Lord for everything that has ever happened to me. The good and the bad. He has turned things around that were meant to harm me—turned them around for my good. I recently told Him I wanted to feel love in the natural again for a man. I wanted to love and be loved back in the natural.
Fast forward to last month when virtually out of nowhere came the opportunity to reconnect with the man whose magnetic voice first captivated me! My head is spinning, my heart is leaping, and my feet are off the ground. He still takes my breathe away! This is sooo hard to believe and even harder to find appropriate words to describe the gush of out pouring love from a place I didn’t even know still existed. My anxiety level is high, every fiber of my being is alive for him and him alone. I hear his voice daily. I hear his music daily. I have yet to see him and can only, no; I can’t even imagine where that will take me when we do meet face to face. What I do know now is how to really love him for him. How to be by his side and help him be/meet his full potential. But most of all, I know I don’t have to be strong anymore. I know that I don’t have to be in control anymore. I also know that submitting to him will be natural because he wouldn’t do anything to harm me.
We are both looking at this second chance as a blessing because although twenty years have passed, for us it seems as if time stood still. It paused giving us time to grow up. I can only say, Thank you, Lord.
