For Love’s Sake …

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So, after almost one year of the relationship, it’s over. And I found out via my mother, who would rather see me suffer and die than to be sane and happy. I am not fully to blame, but no one is perfect. There were many factors both negative and positive in our relationship, one being our age: he was thirteen years older than me and lived a hard life of drugs, alcohol, sleeping with many, many, many women—some married and some not. I was used by men; I was raped twice, touched as a teenager, and abused by my dad. I felt at one time that I did not deserve love.

Today I woke up and said to myself, “I want to die.” Then I thought to take the whole bottle of sleeping pills. I can’t because it will not benefit my kids to leave this world by committing suicide.

My attitude toward men is that I have no respect for them, only because of the things I have experienced. But when I met him, I stopped thinking that way and gave him a chance. It was fine in the beginning, but then things began to unravel and that’s when it all came to head and he told my mother we broke up. I know she is laughing and blaming me and most likely feels sorry for him like she does when she likes someone I date. I have a lot of things going through my head.

I have two kids. My son was fine with him, but my daughter showed him attitude because she did not feel comfortable around him. I knew getting into another relationship would be hard because I know my kids, and if they like something then it’s is fine but when they don’t, they don’t. They have a relationship with their father. He is in their lives. Now as for my ex, he has kids also but they are all grown. So it didn’t bother them at all. He also has two ex-wives, one still married to and that he still takes care of. My daughter displayed on many occasions that she really didn’t care for him all because she wants me to herself. 

He yelled at my kids on many occasions and I told him to not yell at my kids because they are not his and they don’t need another dad. We got into many arguments because of this and went head-to-head sometimes because no man is going to take advantage of me ever again.

On many occasions he would make suggestions for me to change the way I look. On many occasions he wanted me to perform fellatio on him and I said no. I said no to a lot of things, like washing his clothes, cleaning his house, clipping his toenails, giving him large lump sums of money, and other stuff. I just didn’t feel comfortable with at all. He basically gave his whole self to me and told me to put up with the good stuff and all of the bad stuff.

Saturday I went over his house and I told him I was coming to relax because I needed to. It rained, my kids were gone, and my house was clean, so I was all good. I took a pill to relax because I didn’t want to fight with him. I knew he would be mad at me for something. Any how. When he comes up stairs I am in the bed asleep. He turns his phone up loud basically to wake me up. So I woke up anyway because I knew he wanted my attention—all of my attention. I sat up and he asked me to go wash his dishes. I said no because he made the mess so he should clean it up. Then he went further to say he slaves over the hot stove for me and my kids and it was wrong for me to say no to him. Then he went even further to say I do all this stuff for you and you don’t never want to do nothing for me. I wanted to get up and leave. Then not even five seconds later he tells me to take off my clothes because he wanted to have sex. I said no, and then he told me I don’t like him and that I must just want the relationship to be about sex and that’s all. I ignored him.

Sunday morning comes and he takes me to church. He didn’t want me to leave him but I didn’t want to be around him because he basically made me feel like crap like I was worthless. So I got to church and all I could think about was him. All he said and how I would go to apologize to him for being so mean. I come home and I break down. I started crying because it was just all a bad day. He took me to Target and we came home. He cooked dinner and everything was fine. My kids came home from their dad’s house and still all was fine. So when it is time for us to eat dinner, I make the plates for my daughter and her friend, but my son didn’t want to eat. So we sat down to eat. My daughter asked for some more corn and that’s when he went off on me and my daughter, telling me she was disrespectful and I was wrong for allowing her to be like that toward him. And he shot out the door. I got up because I was upset. I started to pack my kids up, and then he said something to me and I told him I was tired. Those are the only words I got out and he started yelling at me. So I yelled back telling him not to cook for my kids anymore if he felt like that. He would fuss if they wasted or wanted more. I tell my kids to get in the house because I was upset. I took his key back to him and he then yelled out to me “Thank you, Keke” because he wanted a reaction from me.

So Monday I get a call from my mom. She needed help with her car and she called him. He went to her and I don’t know what they talked about, but she called me and asked me what went on with him and me. He said that we broke up. I didn’t know that we broke up because we haven’t talked to each other since Sunday when I left. So it’s over and I have to live with the fact that I am thirty-five with two kids and single again.

I am tired of the whole relationship dance with men because it all boils down to this: if you are a strong woman who doesn’t need a man but wants a man in you life, well then he doesn’t want you.

He wanted to change me because the way I looked wasn’t good enough for him. He wanted me to take care of him like he was my child. He wanted to play house like I was the wife. Yes, he did the wife test and I failed. I can’t live my life according to someone else’s plans. I am not a weak-willed woman who will take anyone’s bull cram. I do ask for help and I spend most of my time alone. This is all by choice. So, for love’s sake and all it has to offer, I can finally look and say, it was there once before but now it’s gone. So now my plan is to go back to work, buy a car, and move far away. I can’t live with this pain anymore.


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