Aside from Uno, I never was much of an avid card player. I could never hold the cards properly in my hand, fanned out in numerical order; however, the one aspect of cards that has always treated me well is matching pairs. I’ll contradict myself by telling you I don’t believe in luck but that I was lucky the day I drew a Queen of Hearts in Professor Roh’s Korean class.
The Queen of Hearts I drew was not to complete a perfect hand in a card game but to find out who had drawn the other Queen of Hearts, making us partners for a skit. Now, initially, I never imagined we would have ended up as a pair outside of class, but I suppose funny little things do happen in life.
The story I’m about to tell is no Cinderella, but I like to think life granted me my own fairytale. Prior to drawing that Queen of Hearts, I had never talked to Duke in class. So, considering we had never officially met or spoken, you can imagine the look on my face when he told me I was a narcissist: “You’re a narcissist, aren’t you?” were his exact words. I wasn’t sure if my habit of taking self pictures sickened him or if that was his awkward way of breaking the ice. I was also a bit stunned that he had actually perused through my Self-Pictures album on Facebook prior to us meeting, yet it was flattering at the same time.
I suppose the first day I met Duke was the day I discovered his tendency to be blunt and honest. The very next day, I should have kept in mind his unusual way of greeting people and embraced myself tighter when he asked me if I had just woken up from a nap because “your face is swollen.” Once again, I was flabbergasted at his comment and even more so when he handed me a piece of dining hall cheesecake wrapped in a napkin. Though his remarks were direct, I never thought of him as rude. In fact, I found him strangely attractive since nobody had ever spoken to me with such force and straightforwardness. When I think about it, it would have felt even more awkward had he said something like, “You look nice today.” I’m not an expert when it comes to receiving compliments, so in a way, I’m glad he said those things because it now gives me something to look back upon and smile. Keep in mind that I was older than him by almost two years; though, seeing how Demi and Ashton have made “robbing the cradle” a trend today, I don’t think age makes too much of a difference.
We sometimes joked around about me being older, as I referred to myself as Mrs. Robinson while he thought of dating an older girl as “exotic.” I’m not quite sure what he meant by that, but Duke did have a way with words, and he often made me swoon with his simple words of romance. At least, they were romantic to me, and there are days when I miss hearing his voice resonate in my ear. I miss many things, actually. I miss our midnight study breaks where we would rendezvous at the Charles and engage in semi-profound conversation, frolicking along the river. I miss the awkward moments when I would say something ridiculous and hear no comment as he stared blankly at me. I’ll never forget the first time he held out his hand, and instead of placing my hand in his, I gave him my wallet, thinking he was offering to carry it back for me. In utter humiliation, I quickly exchanged the wallet for my hand, and we walked back in silence, with the occasional whispered laugh escaping my lips.
Most of all, I miss our nights in the Shelton Hall study lounge where I would just watch him study and feel as though my knowledge was expanding. As I watched him read, I knew he wasn’t thinking about me, and that’s what made my lips turn upward. It was comforting to know I was with someone who had so much passion for life and ambition to make a difference. In a way, watching him study so vigorously made me want to study, and his encouragement and constructive criticism and acknowledgement of all my flaws made me realize I could always do better: “Self-Actualize! Have no regrets” is what Duke used to write on a piece of paper while we were studying and place in between the keys of my laptop. Every time I was tempted to be unproductive online or chat with friends, I would see that piece of paper staring at me from my keyboard, telling me to read my Chaucer. With Duke, I felt productive, and only with him did I manage to finish an English paper two days before the deadline, as opposed to two hours.
In fact, when I had completed all the final editing touches to my paper, I had to convince myself that the words displayed on my computer screen were, in fact, there and ready for submission: it was surreal. Procrastination had failed to lure me into its trap that night, and I was able to overcome the feelings of laziness that had built up inside me over the years.
When I think back on that momentous evening, I can’t help but smile knowing that Duke was right beside me, motivating me with his silence and occasional glances. Sometimes, I think it’s healthy to let yourself miss certain things of the past, and even if you feel sad as you reminisce about them, it’s okay. Simply, let it be a reminder of how much those memories meant to you at the time and how they affect you in the present. Then, maybe one day you’ll realize there is no reason to be sad any longer.
