After I felt I reasonably lost the interest of my stalker, I met (well I knew of) a man by the name of Jim. I had actually met him back in 1989 I think, and from the minute I saw him I loved him.
He was a member of the entity I was employed with, I understood the fact that he was married, and the likelihood of us being a couple was beyond my reaches.
Until one day. The day I heard he was going through a divorce. I was a waitress/bartender and from then on sought out to make sure he would notice me. I wanted him to, and I wanted him to fall in love with me.
He was so perfect for me at the time, he frequented my place of work, and he was a police officer. We started drinking red wine and playing cards on Sunday nights when we both started really opening up to each other.
Dave, his friend, seemed to be acting the older brother type, and keeping Jim in tow so to speak and Doc, his other friend that played cards with us was our advocate, trying to tell me how I should see his house and that it was all made out of wood.
Doc didn’t know this, but I loved wood, I collected it, antiques even. I couldn’t wait to show him my apartment. And it did happen. We had been dancing once, a hotel lounge, dark and romantic. I played the song Oh, My Love by the Righteous Brothers, and we did, we danced. That was our song.
This was very exciting for me, because of my background, all the abuse and my outlook upon myself, well I was taken a breath. Him, being intrigued by little ole’ me.
Doc, Jim and I went to dinner once as well and he came to see my place, things had just begun, but I loved it. I was actually hurting so much inside from all the abuse I had been through and being with him offered me great strength and great desire to beat the odds.
Anyway, the nights we would grow loose with the wine, we grew to talking to each other, and I was having troubles with the management that had been present at that time. He was trying to be helpful to me and for the life of me I had fully intended to let him, and wanted the help, but things had gone down from here.
Between the past abuse and the ugly manager things were just getting to me, he had called me actually and had said, “call the club and say, ‘F$%# it I quit!’” I actually tried to explain that that was in the plans for me already, I just couldn’t take anymore, but things were quickly stated and I think our lines got crossed.
I thought he had followed me one evening, felt like he was spying on me so to speak, and boy it really threw me for a loop. After being stalked for all those years, a man like that was the last thing I wanted. I felt like the place I was employed with may have put me under investigation in some way, I had told one of the girls there, that if anything had ever happened to me, to always remember the name Darryll, (the pastor), and I do wonder after all these years if that’s what may have started the whole thing.
Anyway, instead of starting the healing process, I ended up moving in with my mother and father and God, just put them trough hell. I lost it, my mind everything. I couldn’t figure out why Jim had never called or come to see me and God, that just ripped out my heart more.
The Sunday Night Boys were like my brothers, with the exception of Jim of course
In my recovery period, instead of being able to talk to someone, I ended up a loony, and decided I would tell the radio all about it, and was convinced that Jim was talking to me through it. I just couldn’t fathom, with what we shared, just what the reason could be that he was not there. I had locked myself up in a room for about three months doing that.
The place that I had worked at then loved me, I mean really, a very good bunch of souls, everybody, well if you want to say they were going through a time of adjustment. They cared, I know they did, but they never called me back, nor did he.
I still to this day do not understand in its entirety what happened, but I loved that man. I loved him for years. He just did, as I explained before … he just did, he made me happy. I wanted him closer of course, but didn’t think it was possible, everybody keeps telling me when I enquire he is married he was no good, all this shit, but nothing from him.
He tried I think on one or two occasions, I wasn’t ready at that precise moment and all I wanted was to be able to call and talk with him, to arrange something so we could both be on level ground. He was my love, he was important. He was never just one fling.
Maybe he never believed me, which is the sad part. I held his heart dear for over a decade. Things come up that still make me wonder, like Indiana, like Chevy’s, things I knew about him that others not everybody at least did.
I actually cared about a lot of those people; they had become family in a large way. Restaurants do that. I don’t want to really give out the name of that, if you are wondering why I am being vague for that, but there’s lots of Jims, believe me I know I have been trying to find him, or have anyway.
Anyway, girl lost the boy, who was convinced it was going to be like Cinderella, and the boy lost the girl, and why and for what, I am not sure.
I always thought that I would end up back at that place, working, having Jim be there, and all my friends I knew there all around. It was a very safe place for me.
Don’t, if you can, let go of something so precious, they come so far and few between and you are always still left wondering.