This will sound crazy. A couple of months ago, I met an absolutely wonderful gentleman on an internet dating site. Since meeting, we've been on a number of "dates", typically twice a week we get together for dinner and a movie, sunsets, or beach walks. I have to say, "Paul" is a fantastic guy. Not only is he tall and incredibly handsome, he is also kind, funny, and generous with his affection. Honestly, in many, he is just too good to be true. You see, when I met "Paul", I'd decided that after 2 failed marriages and many aborted relationships, I was determined to take all the necessary time required to truly get to know the next man with whom I chose to make any effort at a relationship. In so many ways, "Paul" has been a godsend in that regard. When those immediate sparks flew early on, I made it clear that I was not going to make the same mistakes I'd made in previous relationships, of pairing the guy's desire for instant sexuality with my own desire for instant emotional intimacy, to arrive at a very compromised relationship. "Paul" listened with genuine interest, without judgment, even relaying similar mistakes in his own life and putting me completely at ease that he was in no hurry to sexual intimacy and was willing to wait until the time was right. To my surprise, he did not drift away, but actually intensified his attention and courting of me. This gentleman lives some 50 miles away from my home, but travels twice a week to take me out to dinner, dancing, movies, whatever whim hits us. He even makes sure to provide dinner for my children whenever he is taking me out for the evening, and plays board or computer games with them when we choose to stay in, always leaving at a respectable hour, never making a play for sleeping over or even entering my bedroom.
What is the problem, you ask? I am convinced that "Paul" is a closeted homosexual, and I find it very sad for him! It is almost as though he is living two separate lives, I've noticed. I'm afraid that his intensity for me is really a last ditch attempt to "straighten" himself, (as if he needed straightening). My suspicion is not without merit, though it may sound like the dysfunctional musings of a relationship loser displacing responsibility for her failures in love. Ordinarily, that might be the truer reality, but in this case my bad track record really is just happenstance. For example, "Paul" has a demeanor and voice projection he slips into when we are alone, and a completely different one when others are around. I am happy that he feels comfortable enough to be relaxed in my presence, but it is off-putting because of the intensity of his declarations of adoration and even love. When he is relaxed, his vocabulary is filled with lots of "girlfriends", high-pitched laughter, loose-wrist hand talking, lip-smacking, pardon-the-stereotype blatant gayness! Around others, his voice is deep, his mannerisms are stern, and the testosterone is mud thick. That is the guy I'm completely wild about! But this other girly-guy he becomes when we are alone, is disturbing in the context of a romantic relationship, though completely fine as a nothing-but-a-friend, cool-as-heck hangout partner. I have wanted, many times, to talk candidly and kindly with him about my suspicions, but he has expressed vague (but clear) incidents where other women he has pursued have "made fun" or "judged" him, leaving him feeling very hurt and embarrassed. I truly ache for him, as I adore him as a person and would love to continue hanging out with him just as we do, but without the romantic underscore. To make matters worse, he also has divulged that he was sexually molested as a young boy by a family member. In my intellectual mind, none of these things should necessitate homosexuality, but in my emotional mind the reality is clear in this case.
I am very much torn on the matter. I adore him as the unique and funny individual he is, and really mean it when I say (in my imaginary conversations with him on the subject) that I want us to remain friends. On the other hand, I am almost insulted that he would pursue me with such vigor when he is clearly beyond flaming in his sexuality. I have considered that he, perhaps, has not fully confronted himself and his true desires, but at 46 years old I am sure he would not be hearing this for the first time were I to say it. As a woman, I am offended, but as a human I am saddened for him and would love to help "bring him out". Somebody tell me what the heck to do to keep from hurting a gentle and already wounded soul, but also being clear with him about the zero romantic potential, and helping him come to terms with what seem to be his own truths. Do I dare??
