My Life (Part 1)

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Since I was a kid, I have never longed for the fame and riches this world can give. All I want is to live a simple life away from the humdrums of everyday, safe from this complicated world we are in.

For many years I’ve spent my life in a bed of roses, less the thorny days of disappointments and failures when things didn’t work out the way I want it to be. Until one day, all that I am, all that I have, vanished like a whirlwind. I know I failed in some way I do not know where, why, or how. I did my best but my best wasn’t good enough. What I only know for sure is that I have certainly given my love and cares, still I lost everything that I faithfully, passionately built for a very long time, struggling years of fighting a forbidden love. But amidst the dark days of living life alone, I never allow the wicked hands of fate to stop me from getting back to my feet again. I have to gather back the broken pieces of myself . . .

One by one I patiently and painstakingly picked up the pieces again and lived my life on my own with no one to turn to for solace and comfort. FAITH—they give me strength. MY ANGELS—I find peace in them; through them I learn to paint a smile on my sad face . . . and PAIN—it has made me become stronger than I ever was. Since then, I face the adversities of life alone. I never knew what happiness was, I even forget how it feels to be truly happy; I forget feeling how it is to be loved and how it is to belong to someone. The burning pain did teach me how to be hard with life.

Several years passed, I live in my own secluded world where only me, my angels, and my work to fill all the days that I have. You see me smile, you see me laugh, but behind all those smiles and all that laughter are teats of pain and longing only me heart can tell. But with all the uncertainties fate has laid upon me, my heart remains strong, my heart keeps hoping of a new dawn to come where smiles and laughter are not painted, but real.

After all the painful and lonely years, finding my own room in this world, my dream goes on and on. I am desperate to find the image of a soul mate that has passion for love and life where we can proudly build a haven for a family anyone can dreamed of.

Desperately, if not silly, I have gone through dating sites, hopeful to find Mr. Right. But unfortunately none of those few men I met and have known suits the image I have of a soul mate. Most of them are just bullheaded guys who wanted nothing else but play around the bush and seek pleasure in playing with other people’s feelings and find satisfaction to their selfish human desires rather than search for a comfort of a lifetime. I was so hopeless then and about to give up and decide to live life better alone forever and let the hands of fate work for me. But I doubt to trust fate anymore, it has hurt me once.

One day I decided to delete my profile from that site when suddenly someone messaged me. Have you ever known that feeling as if you knew someone from a long time ago and seems as though you have known each other for a very long time? But you cannot remember when or how? You just have this unbelievable feeling that he is someone important, a certain part of your life from the past but you cannot just remember, you just feel it inside you. That is how I feel towards this man, I feel so comfortable with him. I have never felt such disturbing yet wonderful feeling before with anyone in my past. I feel so relaxed with him, I just have to be myself, bearing my innermost self and feelings to him. Talking with him is a pleasure than a routine. I love his words of wisdom and funny sense of humor. I love the way he look at life, he has passion for it. He just simply changed me from what I have learned to live all these years.


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