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The Ongoing Debate

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My boyfriend is currently sitting at the end of the bed cursing the TV as he plays video games online. We’ve always had our ups and downs, but one thing that remains consistent is that my nearest and dearest (even his nearest and dearest) all hold the same opinion. He’s a funny guy, but no one thinks he’s a good match for me. He’s immature. He’s irresponsible. He can’t take care of himself, much less me. Yep … and I must say, it’s all true.

So as the ongoing debate continues. I know to a certain extent the opinions of my family and friends are very important. And yet of course my own opinion is also incredibly important. Do I wish it was an easier decision? Of course, but that’s not who he is. He’s never, EVER felt the need to pretend to be something he’s not. A year ago I would have said that I was happy enough, but at this very moment … it feels like I’m starting to move forward and he’s not. I don’t want things to change. I’d love for him to grow up with me but I don’t know if that’ll happen. I have a forty-three-year-old brother-in-law who still acts very much like any other kid. So how long do I wait?

I know the only person who can make this decision for myself, is myself. It’s hard to look at the reality of the situation. I don’t want to waste time, but I also don’t want to make any rash decisions. My parents who have always been dead on in their analysis of my brother and sister’s spouses, have always looked at my boyfriend as someone who isn’t the right one for me. My friends all think I could date someone better looking (not an important criteria for me) and someone who can treat me better (that would be nice). What do I want? Someone I can trust (check). Someone I respect (.. sometimes). Someone who gives me the butterflies (check). Someone with a touch of romance (definitely not). Someone who wants a similar path in life (on some things). Someone who wants to build a future with me and isn’t afraid of admitting it (he’s not quite there yet).

Have I tried talking to him about this? Yes, and no. It’s hard to talk to him about these sort of things. He’s a very vocal kind of person. I’m very passive. When I get nervous all the points I want to make go out the window. The logic in my arguments are easy to overturn. After a while I just give in. So back to the beginning I go. Do I want us to work out? Yes I do. How long am I willing to wait? I don’t know. All I know is this typing here is incredibly therapeutic.

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