It seems a recent post stirred up some ire in some readers. Well, I should say, a few certain statements within that post rubbed some people the wrong way. They were:
But, honestly, why would a guy who looks like that be on Match.com?
Oh, come on. John Barrowman is an actor/model. There are plenty of attractive people who use online dating as a means to meet someone. But the very fact that the guy posted fake photos of himself and chose someone as good looking as him to pose as proves my point. He went for someone uber-goodlooking. Not just cute, not just handsome….HOT. Hot guys do not use online dating services to find a mate. They use it to get laid and fill up their dance card.
To which I received the following comments:
"For shame. There are some very good-looking people on Match.com, and if you’re going to run a business primarily through the Internet and maintain a blog about it, you shouldn’t knock online dating so hard."
It would seem the online profile critiques [that I posted on this blog] should have been prefaced with "You know this isn’t going to get you anywhere but I’ll humor you and pretend what I say about improving this profile will make a difference in your dating life…"
It’s nice to know that online dating is apparently only for ugly people. What does that mean for blogs about dating?
Listen, I never meant to imply that only "ugly" people use online dating. I apologize if that’s what some of you inferred. Anyone who’s read this blog for longer than a couple months knows how I feel about online dating. I’m not an advocate of it. But I don’t rule the world, now do I? I’ve always said that if people choose to give online dating a whirl that they should go in to it with the right expectations. Those expectations being that they shouldn’t expect to meet Prince/Princess Charming, but rather hope to meet someone that might provide them with an interesting date with the potential for more.
I never said that unattractive or "ugly" people where the only types of singles to use online dating. If that’s what you took from it, that’s unfortunate because that’s not what I was implying. Hey, I’M on Match.com and I would never consider myself "hot."
All in all, I’m underwhelmed with online dating. Both from personal experience and reading letters and talking to friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some fun dates, a few flings and a lot of great sex from using online dating. But the more I talk to people and the more I research it and the more I use it, the more disappointed I grow.
After reading God knows how many profiles in the last 3 days, the guys that I would consider universally "hot" all have this ridiculous laundry list of requirements. Which leads me to think that maybe those "hot" guys (like many "hot" women online) think that, because they back packed through Europe and can cook an 8 course meal and work out 5 times a week, "deserve" a certain type of match. They want to total package because they think, based on their achievements, they are the total package. Know what? You could put 20 profiles in front of me, let me read each one individually and view their pics, then scramble them up and match up the photos with the wrong profiles and I still wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. It’s the same stuff over and over again. Never in my life have I come across so many men who have traveled to Africa and Asia and Europe. Not just one of those countries. All of them. They all have the same interests – working out, watching CNN, good dive bars. They’re well educated, they’re cultured, they’re good looking…so why haven’t these guys met anyone? Are their standards are too high? If you’re that accomplished and that well rounded, then why are you having a hard time meeting someone? It makes no sense to me. It also encourages me to believe that, at least in NYC, you can never be smart enough, or pretty enough, or rich enough, or thin enough. It’s insane. And it’s exactly why there are so many single people out there. We’re all looking for that bigger, better thing instead of appreciating what we have when we have it.
I think online dating a medium that invites and encourages duplicity. (Like the guy who posted John Barrowman’s photo. Oh, and the guy who posted that photo of the doofy guy from CSI: Las Vegas.) I think online dating also encourages a total lack of accountability. People aren’t invested enough to care. Hey look, I’m guilty of it too. I delete e-mails from guys I’m not interested in. I don’t reply and say "Thanks for the interest but not interested." I drop e-mail conversations midway because I’m bored or have met someone else. Is it right? Is it wrong? That’s subjective, I guess.
"But you could find that in any means of meeting people!" you say. You’re absolutely right. But where are you more likely to encounter that type of nonsense? Online.
As I mentioned above, I came across at least 3 fake profiles while browsing ads. I reported all of them to Match Customer Care. Their profiles are still up. Yet, when I updated my profile today and added in the line "I own my own business. It’s sort of a Learning Annex for relationships" my profile review submission was declined. That line? Was my ONLY change. Only one. And when they read that, suddenly the Customer Care section of Match hopped to attention. But the fake profiles I reported that use photos of actors? Still active.
And while I’m on my rant, what about the people (men and women) who use some really outdated photo of themselves as their primary photo but, when you click through the rest, you quickly learn that they’ve lost their hair or gained 20 pounds. Or their primary pic was taken at a really, really good angle and makes the person look like a model. The you sort through the rest of the photos and are shocked at how that person in the first shot is no where close to resembling the person in the rest of the photos. And what about the grainy, over pixlated photos? That’s a sign that it’s an old photo by the way. And, oh yeah, what about the guys who say their 5’11" but you can tell by their photos that they’re really about 5’9"? That’s an interestign little trick I learned from a friend fo mine who works for the NYPD. There ought to be a rule that all online dating sites require usuers to update their photos at least every six months.
I think it’s great to use online dating if you’re looking to just meet people, have some fun or get laid. If you want more than that and choose to take online dating seriously then I envy your tolerance and patience. I’m someone easily jaded. But just because I’m not a champion of it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t support or encourage someone who is. Online dating isn’t going to fade away in to the abyss. It’s here to stay. But I’m not going to try and dissuade someone from using online dating just because I have my doubts about it. if I did, then THAT’S when you should get pissed at me.
"You’re just saying that because you can’t get hot guys!" You know what? I’d agree with that to an extent. I do resent the fact that certain guys are out of my league just because I’m 38, or because I’m not a size 8. But, as I’ve always said, everyone is allowed to have their "type." I’ll sometimes shoot an e-mail off to a guy that I know probably won’t respond. But, for the most part, I stay within my league. I don’t over shoot too often. I know that, regardless of what I’ve achieved in my life or how wonderful I am, my sucesses don’t hold a candle to a woman with a knock out bod who makes 40K a year. At least in the online world. People are less and less willing to take that risk online. It’s all about how you look on paper. That’s probably why so many people resort to "winking" instead of actually purchasing credits or a membership. So, I guess that sums up in a nutshell why I don’t lurve online dating. It encourages everything that hate. Ineffective communication, little accountability and self-awareness and a total lack of risk.