Is Our Marriage Over? You Asked

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Dear Sugar,


Help! I have been with my husband for thirteen years and will be married for eleven in November. To make this as short as possible, I’ve lived in a sexless, loveless relationship for twelve years. Last November I met someone wonderful and decided to tell my husband I was done. We separated for four months and I stopped seeing my “friend” for a while to get my head together. My husband immersed himself in therapy and told me he could not lose me, that he loved me and would do whatever had to be done to keep us together.

I moved back home in May, but I still don’t feel passion toward him. I love him, but am still very hurt and angry. He supposedly suffers from intimacy issues, fear of failure, etc., and although he is working very hard to be in my heart, our sex life is not good; in fact, it’s horrible. He makes no effort to please me at all. After not having any for months, he accused me the other day of not wanting him.


I know he loves me in his very own way, but I am not sure I can ever be happy with this man. So many people tell me what a great guy he is and that I should stay with him. He is a great provider and very good in other ways, so my question is—do I work my butt off to save my marriage, or call it a day? I need some advice please.—Unhappy Helena


Dear Unhappy Helena,


In order for this marriage to work, you need to make sure both of your needs are being met, and from what you’re telling me, you two have a lot more work to do. I’m glad to hear that your husband is in therapy, but have you thought about going to therapy together? Something tells me that you aren’t talking to your husband about what you need to be happy, so getting everything out on the table could do wonders for your relationship. Sex is also a major component to any relationship, so if spicing things up in the bedroom isn’t helping, you might want to consider seeing a sex therapist.


Staying in an unhappy relationship, even though he’s a good provider and loves you in his own way, will only leave you feeling sad and alone if you’re still having doubts. You’ve been with this man for thirteen years, so you owe it to yourself and your relationship to give your marriage a fighting chance, but if you’re forcing something that’s just no longer there, your relationship could have just run its course. Keeping the lines of communication open is a must so voice your concerns as often as they need to be addressed. While all relationships take work, yours shouldn’t be more work than play. Good luck to you.


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