All around me, friends, family, and colleagues question my single status. Why would an attractive, intelligent, young woman be single? (Well, not so young, but people mistake me for late 20s-early 30s—shhhh! Don’t blow my cover!) Whether living in New York City or in my current small southern town, it’s treated like a contagious illness to be avoided. Surely something must be wrong with me if I am not married. Heck, I’m not even divorced! Something must REALLY be wrong if I haven’t at least TRIED it! And I haven’t even mentioned kids yet. No, I don’t even have a boyfriend right now–some have hinted that I must be a lesbian, but nope, I’m not. THAT’s how much people expect you to be married or at least coupled!
Well, there is nothing wrong with me, I’m not a lesbian, and I have been engaged in the past, but thankfully broke it off. I lived with two boyfriends, both for four years. (The first relationship lasted five years, the second seven, but only because that four years of living together was split two and two. I really needed the break!) That was it for me. Those WERE my trial marriage periods. I discovered it wasn’t for me. Do I need more trial marriages? Or a real one, so I can get divorced? I know many, many people in unhappy marriages and relationships, and for too many years I was one of those people. A huge sense of relief and a happy lightness accompanied my break-ups. (Break-ups suck, but they have their upsides!)
Let me tell you why singlehood’s not so bad after all. It’s all about the services one does not have to perform when single. At twenty, I was shocked to discover that once I entered a serious relationship, with the expectation of marriage, gender stereotypes kicked in with a vengeance. My new job included keeping track of my significant other’s whereabouts, his schedule, etc. He asked me to remind him of important events, as though I were his personal calendar. Well, I am not his secretary! Once on vacation, my fiancé arrived late to a gallery tour. The tour guide looked at me quizzically, as if to say, “Why didn’t you go fetch him?” and my fiancé wondered why I hadn’t gone off to round him up to get him there on time. Wear a watch! Look at your phone! Who’s keeping track of my schedule?
Other services involved the 1950s housewife roster: clean (which I did, but I never did any man’s laundry-I have my limits), cook (I’m not such a great cook, so we didn’t eat together that often), and be our pet’s primary caretaker (in preparation for child care, because the men folk certainly wouldn’t have left their computers to take care of a screaming child). Socializing with HIS family’s female members became my job. Admittedly, this occupation was not so taxing, since I liked both my long-term boyfriends’ families; however, neither boyfriend would have anything much to do with my family, and balked at any visits. Most annoying were the family visits where the women took care of everything while the men sat on their duffs watching sports or otherwise entertaining themselves. (C’mon, I know you know what I’m talkin’ about.)
Life revolves around his needs, or so he thinks. Even sex became an issue. He only wanted to have sex when HE initiated it (and no, I don’t fake it for anyone), but left alone or even turned off when he wasn’t the one in control; basically be around only when he felt like having me around. Compromising is no man’s strong suit. When it’s his way or the highway, I choose the highway every time. I am not interested in servitude. Occasionally a friend tells me she knows someone who’s married to a guy who actually takes care of himself and helps (significantly) around the house, but I haven’t yet witnessed any such relationship with these miraculous creatures, so forgive me for remaining skeptical.
What I’ve learned from my relationships with both long- and short-term boyfriends is that men expect services, not relationships. After breaking up with my fiancé, we kept in touch for a short time after. During a phone call, we began reminiscing, or so I thought. I remarked that I missed having someone around who made me laugh; he remarked that he wished someone were there to deal with the real estate agent and cable guy. Sigh. Whew! Glad I escaped those time-consuming tasks! Hoped-for relationships for her. Services for him. Clearly he only missed the services. A man I recently dated said, “I want a woman who will make my life great, and then disappear.” I disappeared before making his life great.
Even my forty-two-year old foul-tempered male roommate with whom I had no romantic involvement expected services. He thought I’d be cooking for him (he offered to pay), sleeping with him (no offers to pay), and buying his clothes for him (he’s paying again). I just expected him to pay his rent and clean up after himself! He moved out after only a few months. And, for the record, clothes-shopping is one of my least favorite activities. And no, I didn’t sleep with him. If he had offered up some dough for that, I may have reconsidered. (Just kidding, just kidding!)
Women want relationships, yet they seem to go ahead and perform these services, grudgingly or not. If you don’t mind, then there’s no problem, but ladies, rebel if you want more balanced lives! Go on strike in your homes! Let the husband and kids fend for themselves! I, for one, am too busy with my full-time job to take on the additional jobs of secretary, personal assistant, general home-office manager, nanny, chauffeur, and housekeeper. I naively thought such work would be shared, and thus halved instead of doubled. When I lived with my boyfriends, my workload doubled. No more! I‘m on relationship strike!
Ah, children. I was never dying to have children, which doesn’t mean that I don’t like them, it just means that I do not have the energy to be a full-time mom, perform wifely services, AND handle my more-than-full-time job as a college professor. THAT is why I remain single and childless. My ruminations on singlehood bring to mind Judy Syfer’s (now Judy Brady’s) still-relevant essay, “I Want a Wife.” Man, I want someone to take care of my needs and make my life more comfortable and convenient! Alas, I know that no man will do that for me.
But don’t women want services, too? Sure, it would be nice to have a strong man haul my groceries, suitcases, and twenty-pound bags of cat litter up to my second-floor walk-up. But, ah well, I get more exercise this way! I’ve heard that some men do yard work and take out the garbage and such. Mine didn’t. I guess they perform some services—but not without us asking for them! Women are on autopilot. Men wait…and wait.
What about trips and companionship? I can take trips and vacations and hang out with friends and family. Boyfriends consume an awful lot of time. As a single person I can get to know more people, travel more often, and maintain my actual relationships with friends and family. As I see it, the only drawback to singlehood is sex. If only I could deactivate my sex drive at will, I’d have no need for any boyfriends and life would be much simpler. Wouldn’t it?
One last thought about men and relationships. I mentioned that I am a college professor, which means that I earned a Ph.D. Men run screaming in the opposite direction when those three little letters are mentioned. Few men venture into relationships with women who they perceive may be superior to them in some way. They need to be king of the castle on all accounts, it seems. So my options are the very small pool of single men with Ph.D.’s. Uh-hem. I have not had a serious relationship since receiving my degree three years ago. If singlehood is my destiny, it is only because I have not yet found a man who is willing to shed stereotypes and be a PARTNER in a relationship. A man who is willing to compromise and communicate (and who’s not scared off by the degree).
Single ladies, if you truly want to remain single, do so with no regrets. Your beleaguered married friends secretly wish they could unload some of their extra work! If remaining single is not your goal, well, live it up and enjoy your freedom before you meet your next boyfriend! And, remember, when you do, stand your ground! You’re his girlfriend, not his personal assistant/housekeeper/mother. Your time is as valuable as his. Share the pesky activities. Amen.
