When you decide that this is it—I can’t take it anymore; than you know it time to move on. You decide to put an end to all the phone calls and texts, you may even go as far as deleting numbers and throwing away anything that will remind you of this person. You may not listen to certain songs or frequent any place that will bring the memory to surface. At this point you ask yourself, am I serious this time or just mad again?
These are questions that I asked myself; of course I wasn’t finished because when I stop calling and sending texts I began wondering and thinking about him more than I did when things were going good between us. I wondered to myself if he was thinking about me and whether he was missing me as much as I was missing him.
After several days of anxiety and wanting to call him but not allowing myself to do so, he finally called me. I stared at the phone as it continued to ring. Did I answer? Of course not, I wanted to see if he would leave a message and he did. Did I called back? No, well yes, just not that day. Okay so what did I do; the most dangerous thing of all, I gave in by sending him a text the day after; a few hours later he called me and a few hours after that we were meeting up. As for me, this left me back at square zero accomplishing nothing on my part. Well I was deeply satisfied for a few hours, but shortly after, I began to feel worse because I knew nothing would change in our situation.
I walked around with a slight headache and a ferries wheel of emotions taking their term manifesting one-by-one. I sat there pondering my actions; I began to be real with myself, I admitted that I loved him, I wanted him to understand my hurt but ultimately I wanted him to want me like I wanted him. Oh what a hard pill to swallow when you are forced by that inner spirit to come out and tell the true. I felt like if I was going to deal with this situation that I had to stop lying to myself saying that I wanted to be done with him and that I didn’t want him. I stood there thinking, well, I admitted I want him so what’s next. Well get a life I said to myself, but I have a life; well began to act like it and live your life.
Moving on is so hard but we must; when something dies that’s the end of it, no amount of CPR can bring it back. I mentioned deleting numbers in the beginning but what does that prove; nothing when you still have ways of contacting them if temptation hits you hard enough. Finally I got it, I said to myself you have over-came so much and right now you feel really weak almost helpless, you are in love and you are hurting and longing for relief but not just temporary relief but relief from the relationship as a whole. I decided it was time to woman up and stop allowing my hurt and weakness to contain me.
I realized that there are other people somewhere going through the same thing I’m going through; plus life goes on. I resulted in giving myself an ultimatum;. “Hold your head up” I told myself, “You will get through this.” I had to stop letting my emotions and hurt feeling get the best of me. If I want to be healed from this aching heart than I must allow the pain to surface. We all know that sunshine comes after a storm but in order to make it through we must first weather the storm of feeling hurt, wanting to go back and all the other zillions emotions that comes into place. I hope I help someone out there by sharing this story …