I knew it was going to happen. It just came sooner than I thought. Not wanting what we had to end, one day he came to me with intentions of sharing his true feelings. Being that I felt quite adamant about not turning out like my mother. As a result of my decision, he said I would one day come to understand the type of feelings he has for me.
At first I felt offended. But then I thought, ‘maybe he is seeing something that I’m not seeing at the moment.’ Though he is only a year older than me, I considered him to be far more advanced in life than I was at the time.
He once said, “he thought of me as possessing everything the world negates. While, at the same time appearing unwise of my gift, like a fragile young woman whose heart is missing out on the joy of a lifetime.”
As someone who is learning to identify with her true feelings and the words that bring them into clarity, I’ve come to realize that sometimes others do come to know what is best for us even when we fail to recognize it in ourselves.
A hopeless romantic filled with the gifted charm of an early Renaissance poet of Italian descent. At the time I believed his attempt to rescue me from my self-destruction would become more of a blessing to him than salvation for me. It wasn’t until later when I took a professional approach to understanding my father’s situation, that I saw what Dominic was capable of becoming.
I watched in great sadness a man who once thought everything of his wife and daughters gradually turn into a tortured soul. Overwhelmed with disappointment and lost somewhere between the throes of loves undeniable circumstances and the courage of his heart, I didn’t want to bring that kind of pain into Dominic’s life. I didn’t want to become the purveyor of his trials or the source of his sorrows.
There were times when I saw in his eyes the potential pain of disgust that I was capable of causing. And yet, even during those most antagonistic days of mental tyranny, he was always kind enough to let me know that things were going to work themselves out. Even when I knew I wasn’t being genuinely honest with my emotions.
His words were always comforting. Though his expectations of me were intimidating. On many occasions he expressed he only wanted to see me happy. And I never realized how much that meant to me, until I noticed him standing off in the shadows of the crowd at the cemetery on the day of the funeral. He had a look on his face like he knew exactly what I was feeling.
“Hello…” out from beyond the mental grasp of my thoughts I echoed, as I aimlessly found myself startled from the sound of the sudden ringing.
“Hey girl…what are doing?” the voice on the other end asked.
“Nothing…Amy, is that you?”
“Yeah, it’s me stranger. I miss you. Did you get my message?”
“Yes I did. And I’m looking forward to seeing you.”
“Well. I have another surprise for you,” she added, with a hint of excitement in her voice.
“What?” I asked, frantically.
“I have a girlfriend who is traveling up there tomorrow. How would you feel if I drove up with her and spent a little time with you there instead of in Seattle next week?”
“Are you serious? I would love to see you. I have an interview and later a book signing that shouldn’t take no more than maybe five hours. Then the rest of the weekend will belong to us. I can’t wait.”
“Okay. So I’ll call you on your cell once we make it into the city.”
“Yeah. That sounds perfect! I’ll be waiting…Bye now.”
As I hung up the phone I started imaging how wonderful it would be to see my little sister. We’ve never made plans to meet away from home before, especially here in San Francisco. It is truly a beautiful city. Perhaps tonight when I see Dominic, I can talk him into showing me a few places that she and I can visit tomorrow.
Thinking to myself as my mind started wandering, I quickly spring from the bed and made my way into the bathroom to draw a bath. Suddenly remembering the thoughtful gift Devin had sent, I aimlessly turned and rushed back into the room to get the bottle of bath granulates and a few of the scented candles.
A lemon-scented bath sounds perfect right now. Besides, I owe it to myself to take a little time to meditate, and perhaps relax before my meeting with Dominic.