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Put Your Husband Online

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How many married men are registered with online dating sites? How many of those fellas without pictures are looking for some candy on the side? Really, their profiles are stellar; men who will do anything for you; romance you on his private beach, take you on his next tour of Angkor Wat, ski Sun Valley … they are endless athletes, looking for activity partners. These men appreciate with spiritual vigor that you look equally great in blue jeans or an evening dress. How do I know this? Two of my girlfriends are on about three sites a piece and they’ve shared these fairy tales.

I understand my BFFs’ online dating fatigue, so I’m offering up my husband. Not for them to date but to provide a new ticket to the on line world; add some reality TV spice to the parade of window shoppers. They’ll see his profile and contemplate over the apparent sensuality in his eyes. Pause, it’s not sensuality, ladies, but the glazed look of a man from the couch who has hit 103 TV channels in fifteen minutes. This man needs to get out more and away from cable; to be romanced by the many beautiful faces lining the galleries of these sites. The female candidates all appear finer than the celebrities in People magazine do. Their profiles are equally amazing. They are looking for soul mates, rapture, and some decent conversation. They love long kisses and will share their yoga postures with you.


My husband’s name is Bruce, so I’ll call him Brucelee on the site. He liked martial arts as a kid. He’s 5’9", but I’ll put him at 6’2" because in his boots he feels that tall. I’ll give him brown eyes and brown hair, because if he had hair, it would be brown. I’ll keep his status as separated, as we’re obviously not divorced but he’s separated in his den-cave watching sports, as we speak. He loves drinking so I’ll make him a wine connoisseur, loves adding soy sauce to everything, so I’ll make him a sushi chef. He did dance at our wedding, so I’ll say he loves to tango. Now, I just have to find some pictures of him from ten years ago when he didn’t have the gut; maybe the one of him sailing in Key Biscayne and then one at the beach. I can photo shop his waistline. There’s another photo where he’s on top of an elephant at a circus excursion five years ago. I’ll make the caption, “Bangladesh journey” to entice the exotic seekers.


I’ll answer all his messages and I won’t have to tell him about it ‘till I’ve secured a sure date for him. Then I’ll just say, “Honey, could you put down the controls for a second? Honey, listen, would you go meet Linda at PF Chang’s for me? She’s very nice and likes the Eagles and is Mormon. Please order the lettuce wraps and calamari and bring home your leftovers.


Be nice, act like you’re on a date.


Mwah.” 

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