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A Rebuttal to AskMen’s “Reasons Not to Get Married”

Sometimes we're curious about what men read. Sometimes that curiosity gets the better of us and we browse the male versions of "Cosmopolitan" and "Glamour." Sometimes we really wish we hadn't. Today is one of those days. There are plenty of legitimate reasons for men (and women) to choose not to get married—not the least of which is simply not wanting to. The 10 reasons AskMen gave in the wake of Seal and Heidi Klum's divorce announcement are not any of those. Let's deconstruct, shall we?
“No. 10 Marriage Will Make Her Let Herself Go”
“No. 9 Marriage Is the End of Options”
“No. 8 Marriage Is Expensive”
“No. 7 Marriage Is Just Paperwork”
“No. 6 Marriage Is the End of Spontaneity”
“No. 5 Marriage Is Constant Compromise”
“No. 4: Marriage Is the End of Sex”
“No. 3: Marriage Often Fails”
“No. 2 Marriage Is the End of Taking Risk.”
“No. 1 Marriage Is Forever”

“No. 3: Marriage Often Fails”

It is a sad truth that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Relationships, regardless of whether or not they come with a contract, often end. Are we not supposed to have relationships simply because we don’t like the odds?

“No. 9 Marriage Is the End of Options”

AskMen writes: “Variety is the spice of life. Spice is also the name of the stripper dancing on your lap and slipping you her cell number.”

We say: HAHAHAHA! Um, this doesn’t happen.

“No. 8 Marriage Is Expensive”

We’ll concede their point that the wedding industry is out-of-control expensive. $26,542, the average cost a U.S. couple spends on their wedding, is nothing to sneeze at. Marriage, however, is not the same as that party many people have on the day they exchange vows. A 2010 survey of 12,000 men found that married men earn nearly one-third more than single men, even when differences in age, education, and experience are accounted for.

“No. 7 Marriage Is Just Paperwork”

AskMen writes: “It’s perfectly acceptable to be in a monogamous relationship with someone you love and care for, but why do you need a piece of paper from the state or church?” Wait, we’re confused. Won’t a monogamous relationship make her gain weight and ruin your chances to hook up with girls named Spice? We’ll let that logic slide for now. Yes, a marriage license is a legal document that allows you to claim perks like joint health insurance and tax breaks. Yes, marriage, as defined by our society and legal system, is a social construct. You know what else is a social construct? Just about everything else that governs how we interact in our daily lives.

“No. 6 Marriage Is the End of Spontaneity”

According to AskMen, not only do married couples always choose to buy bigger houses rather than take trips to Vegas, but even when they do find a moment to be spontaneous in between being miserable all the time, it’s not really desirable because, as they put it, “Spontaneity also leads to a ton of compromise. Compromise sucks.” Ladies, don’t marry anyone who thinks this, or who makes these weird jumps in logic.

“No. 5 Marriage Is Constant Compromise”

Seriously, don’t marry anyone, man or woman, who doesn’t see the value in compromise.

“No. 4: Marriage Is the End of Sex”

Let’s ignore for a moment the countless studies that have debunked this myth and instead rely on anecdotal evidence. I’m not married so I can’t know for sure, but it would seem easier to have sex with your wife (someone who has pretty much legally said she likes to have sex with you, thanks to that piece of meaningless paper you both signed) than to find someone new every time you were in the mood. Why do I think this? I have many single, attractive, and charming male friends and they strike out all the time.

Also, can someone decode what AskMen means when they write this: “Those early days of screwing longer than a cordless screwdriver are long over”? Something about not needing to be near an outlet to screw? Or does screwing in the figurative sense now take less time than hanging things with a new screwdriver?

“No. 3: Marriage Often Fails”

It is a sad truth that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Relationships, regardless of whether or not they come with a contract, often end. Are we not supposed to have relationships simply because we don’t like the odds?

“No. 2 Marriage Is the End of Taking Risk.”

The previous slide just advised men not to get married because the risk of divorce is just too high. Giving yourself over to someone emotionally and physically (and, yes, promising to think of them before jumping out of planes or engaging in other dangerous activities) is a risk in of itself. Some might say it’s a leap of faith that produces rewards far greater than any adrenaline rush.

“No. 1 Marriage Is Forever”

Remember that fifty percent divorce rate we were just bemoaning? So if either of you changes too much, gains weight, doesn’t want to compromise on trips to Vegas, considers skydiving, or wants to have sex with a stripper named Spice, you can spontaneously end your marriage.

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