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Never Saw That Coming

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Dear 4-Way,
I think my boyfriend is faking his orgasms. There’s rarely any physical evidence after we have sex that he actually had one (i.e., nothing in the condom), but when I ask if he really did have one, he always says yes. Is this possible? Or could he possibly be lying to me, maybe because he just doesn’t want to tell me if things aren’t working properly? —MM, Las Vegas, Nevada

The Gay Man’s Perspective: Darren Maddox
How do you know there’s nothing in the condom? Are you picking them up and checking? (Let me just say I think that’s a tad odd, if you are.) If you are, and you’re not seeing anything in there, perhaps he’s a little squirter, and you just can’t see it. But let’s say he is faking the ’gasm and explore a few reasons he may be doing it.

How long have you been dating? Perhaps you haven’t yet discovered what gets him off. If you’re in a new relationship, or even if you’ve been dating for a while, check with him to see what he fantasizes about.  Is the condom the culprit? He may not be able to get off wearing a condom that doesn’t offer him maximum sensitivity. Maybe he’s wearing a condom that fits him more like a sweater than a glove. Try switching brands to see if that works.  He may have performance anxiety and start to lose his erection before he reaches the Holy Grail. When he gets nervous that you’ll think he’s not interested when the little man takes a nap, he fakes it and pulls out. Is he still hard after that? Does he then spend some time in the bathroom? If that’s the case, you can rest assured that he is faking it and then relieving himself.

Whatever the case may be, talk to him about it. But remember, this is a sensitive issue for him, so be gentle.

The Straight Woman’s Perspective: Rebecca Brown
Either he’s not into it and doesn’t want to tell you—for fear he’ll hurt your feelings or that he’ll have to have a big, long discussion about it—or things aren’t working properly and he doesn’t want to have a big discussion about that, either.

I commend you for trying to talk to him, but just from what you wrote, it sounds a little forced. Like Mr. McAllister’s wife from Election. (“Fuck me, Mr. M! You gonna do it? Come on! Fill me up! Fill me up!”) Maybe the right time isn’t right after you guys have finished (or worse yet, during), and maybe it freaks him out a tiny bit if you’re running around picking up condoms, inspecting them for … you know … evidence. It’s a little like a mom’s checking behind her kids’ ears to make sure they washed. Creepy.  Again, just as I recommended to one of our other readers this month, I might suggest a more breezy approach, away from the place where it all goes down. Perhaps a playful compliment might grease the way for a more honest response: “I love that thing you did last night. That was fun. Did you like the thing I did?” Less motherly, less Nazi regime; more complimentary, playful fun.

The Lesbian Woman’s Perspective: Jody Fischer
I’m a fish out of water here on the physical side of things, and I kind of don’t even want to know if what you’re describing is possible or not. However, I am curious about the emotional aspects?or lack thereof?in your question.

You could ask him if he’s enjoying the sex. You might want to ask yourself the same question. Does his lack of physical evidence lessen your physical or emotional closeness? Does he seem into it? Are you?FYI, on the physical side of things, I checked in with some straight and gay male friends of mine, and all report that there may be several reasons for what you’re seeing (or not seeing). One is that he’s leaving the scene before he’s done because he’s not into it.  Another possibility: when guys masturbate frequently, they may have much less physical evidence. So I wonder if your nothing in the condom is really nothing, or if perhaps it’s just a small bit.  In addition to having no experience in this matter, I also have no medical training, so I’d recommend that he ask his doc about this. Whether it’s a physical or emotional issue, he has some explaining to do.

The Straight Man’s Perspective: Chris Kennedy
Aha! A taste of your own medicine, ladies.

The male orgasm, while not so mysterious as the female one, can still be faked just not as convincingly. Or perhaps you’re dating the musician Sting, who’s claimed he has “ingasms” where there’s no physical manifestation of his sexual enjoyment.  Whatever the case may be, he’s faking his orgasms and that’s not good. It means he’s trying to get the experience over with or he has a mechanical problem. Either way, he’s not enlisting you to help fix it. While it’s not something to be proud of, he should still be comfortable working on this with you, his girlfriend. Perhaps he’s feeling embarrassed and pressured by you. You might do well to offer help in a supportive, non-judgmental way and see where that gets you.

As Sting sings, if you love somebody, set his sperm free. Or something like that.

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