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Recovering from Sex on the First Date

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Dear 4-Way,

I recently went out with a man I met online. We met for a drink first, and we hit it off, so we decided to extend our date and go to dinner too. We had a great connection and we made each other laugh. I was also very attracted to him physically, and I could tell that he felt the same about me. We ended up back at my house for a glass of wine, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, so we slept together. We had sex on the first date! I really like this guy and I’m worried that sleeping with him means it’s over, that this relationship will go nowhere. Do you think there’s a chance it can work? —BG, Chicago, Illinois

The gay woman’s perspective: Jody Fischer

Is there a chance that the two of you can work? In your past relationships, could you tell if things were “going to work” after one date? Whether you’ve slept with the guy or not, it’s too soon to tell where it will go from here.

It seems to me that you’re feeling remorse or guilt about jumping into bed with this guy on date one. What I’ve learned from Chris, our wonderful resident 4-Way straight guy, is that sex is all that some guys “come” for and he should now be looking for a new conquest. I think that you two working out depends on several things: 1) The personality and actions of the guy. If he’s a jerk, he’ll be ready to move on, and then you don’t really want him anyway; 2) The quality of the connection over time; 3) You getting over your first-date sex guilt; 4) The phase of the moon (fate).

So is there a chance this can work? Sure. Is there a chance that I will date men? Sure, but it’s not likely because it’s not what I want. My point here is that if you want to continue to get to know this guy, you have to change some of your thinking. There are people who have slept together on a first date who have stayed together. You and this guy could fall into this category, regardless of your past history or what people may tell you. If you want to continue, make it clear to him that you’re interested in seeing him more and in sharing more than physical intimacy and you have a fighting chance.

The gay man’s perspective: Darren Maddox

BG, since there’s a little lag time between the time we receive a question and the time we answer it, I’ll bet this one has already worked itself out. But let’s pretend it hasn’t, just for shits and giggles. So now you’re worried that he won’t call you, that he doesn’t respect you, that he thinks you may be the town whore and he should head for the hills before the red light above your door burns out.

Here’s the deal, sweetie, you liked the guy and he liked you, you slept together. It happens—all the time. Is this your first time to let this happen? Do it again. All I’m saying is, if you like him and he likes you, then I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t go for it if the mood is right. The sex will be passionate—or maybe it’ll be shitty and you’ll know whether you want to move forward with the relationship. If it’s meant to work out, it will. If it isn’t, it won’t. And if it wasn’t ever there to begin with and you were just doing him because you were bored and it was Wednesday then maybe you are the town whore and you should seek help. I’m kidding! Stop beating yourself up about it and be happy that you learned something more about yourself through the process.

The straight woman’s perspective: Rebecca Brown

Standing in today for Rebecca is Magic 8-ball. Here’s what 8-ball has to say about this. Is there a chance it can work? From my extensive focus groups on this topic (eavesdropping on people at Starbucks on Sunday mornings), I’d say outlook not so good, better ask again later. I do know of one couple who’s been happily married for several years, and they had sex on the first date. But they’re kind of an anomaly, like Lindsay Lohan at an AA meeting.

Here’s the thing that my guy friends always tell me: guys are hunters and chasers, they like to win. By sleeping with him immediately, you’ve given him nothing else to hunt or chase; he’s already won. There’s no more anticipation of anything. This guy will never again wonder what your naked body will feel like next to his, because he’s felt it. He won’t sit at his desk and wonder about the size of your nipples, or daydream about whether the sex with you will be hot because he already knows. I know it seems like the prize of this hunt and chase should be your affection and a fabulous relationship, but it doesn’t work like that. You need to keep him feeling like he has something else to win. While you’re doing this, you’ll be getting to know each other, so that by the time you actually do sleep with him, you’ll have a solid emotional foundation and you can stop with the stupid games.

In the meantime, if you find yourself in this situation again, why not try a little experiment the next time you sleep with someone on the first date (and I wouldn’t make that a habit). Right before you leave, tell him you had a great time, but that this won’t be happening again. Then kiss him on the cheek and walk as sexily as you can out the door. My guess is you’ll hear from him within four days. I’m not advocating game-playing here, but for God’s sake, woman—if you’re gonna do the nasty with a guy on the first date, you should at least have a strategy! Good luck and let me know how it goes.

The straight man’s perspective: Chris Kennedy

There’s a chance your quickie relationship can work, but there’s more of a chance it won’t. I don’t think you blew it—if he wants more, he’ll be back. How can we know his sincerity? Only time will tell.

As for you, do you regret sleeping with him? Or do you regret sleeping with him only if he doesn’t call you back? Hopefully, your decision to sleep with him did not have the agenda of keeping him interested, because let’s just say that doesn’t usually work out so well in the long run. If you’re someone who acts on her impulses and is okay with that, then sleeping with him isn’t the big issue here. I don’t think the relationship’s potential is affected by the fact you slept with him on the first date, or the tenth. If he likes you and your chemistry holds him, then the relationship will continue. I’m not trying to minimize the sex, but that isn’t enough to tip the scale of his interest one way or another. If sex is all he was after, then you’ll know that pretty soon. Be safe and continue to date. That’s the only way to know. But be prepared for him not to come back for another reason. I’ve noticed there seems to be a symptom of online dating: the cybergrass is always greener. A whole plethora of potential dates are popping up on searches, so it’s easy to believe that even when you have a good thing, there’s someone else even better out there. Too many choices is sometimes a bad thing.

In the meantime, ask yourself: what do you want out of the relationship? More sex? More than sex? A boyfriend? A husband? Do you know? Take some time to think about what you want before you worry so much about what he wants. It might behoove you to take it slow here … in more ways than one.

Check out what advice our panel has on turning a one-night stand into a relationship:

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