Save me ...

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I’m experiencing withdrawal from a weekend idyll – another beautiful, sexy, private weekend spent with the man I dream about … yes, the married one.

I’m getting used to being single, and getting used to being alone, yet I complicate my life with this man’s’ presence any time I can get it and why, for all the thought I give it, is something that I just cannot answer.

He is just loving enough to make me want him; just aloof enough to keep me wondering how many other women he’s said the same things to; just forthcoming enough to admit that he wants me, but will never leave his wife; am I making myself heard here?

Knowing that this is dead end isn’t enough to make me want to end it: there is so much more that I want to know about him, so many more nights that I want to spend wrapped up with him, so many more days and weeks that I want to just live in his presence; that I can’t bear the thought of him gone from my life.

What is keeping me so torn? What is it that makes me willing to play the second fiddle in his life? I usually don’t compromise when it comes to what I want, and I know what I DO want; a man who will put me first in his life, not before himself, but who thinks of me as his emotional priority, his saving grace.

Another week spent longing for him, wanting him here in my arms, in my bed. If there were a way to just wish this relationship away, to make it evaporate, I might do it. Then again, probably not. I can’t seem to save myself.


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