Selfish

+ enlarge
 

Am I selfish? Right now, I feel that I cannot choose. I am breaking hearts all over the place. I am in a relationship of five years and I am not intimate with my man. I am just not turned on by him anymore. He does those same little touchy feely things he has always done and they are just so boring to me now. Maybe it’s because I am secretly being turned on by someone else.


This other person does everything that I want to be done to me! He takes me to heights that makes me think that only he can. We have crazy amazing sex. We sneak, publicize, and privately satisfy each other far beyond the means of my man and me. He had a girlfriend at first. He broke if off with her. My friend told me that I was partly responsible but we laughed it off. I eventually asked and was told no, but during later conversations it appears that my friend was right. This was absolutely devastating to me. I stayed away for a while with hope that he recanted his decision, but he didn’t. He wanted to spend more and more time with me. We recently had an overnight scenario in which we stayed up all night and day until about 4 p.m. We talked, we laughed, and now that I think back on it, it was probably a really bad idea. He didn’t want me to leave, even though he knew I had someone at home waiting on me.


My boyfriend is totally confused by my change in behavior and lack of intimacy. He wants me to guide him to foreplay and that turns me off before we even get started. He is just asking for my help and I, the person who has spent the last six and a half years with him, won’t even help him or understand or have compassion for him. He is so timid around me. So afraid that he will do the wrong thing, or touch me the wrong way that he is just sick of trying. I don’t want him to feel less of a man. I try to pretend but that’s just not me. I hide my face and try to pretend that I am enjoying it, but we have always looked each other in the face. I don’t even kiss him. I believe this it is the most intimate thing that can be done.


When we decided after a year and a half that we would be a couple, I was a year and a half out of an engagement. I cheated with him and it took him that time to trust me. I told him that I knew I wanted to be married. I told him that if he decided to be in a relationship with me, he had to agree that we wouldn’t be shacking up for five years. Well here we are five years later—no ring and no plans of engagement. I believe I have given up on this relationship, but don’t know how to break it off. I do love him despite the affair that has continued for a year. We act like an old married couple.


I don’t know what to do. Should I wait this out to see if my Prince Charming eventually rides down on his white horse and declares his love for me while continuing my affair? Or do I cut off the affair, go on without those intimacies that make me feel great, and try to rekindle things with my man? Will I ever marry? Most importantly, can I be faithful?

Tags: 

Comments

Loading comments...