1. Ever try slo-mo sex? "However long it takes him to perform the usual titillating tasks, tell him to make it take a loooong time," says Lisa Sussman, author of Satisfaction Guaranteed: 350 Best Sex Tips Ever (Carlton, 2003). "Give all your moves the same treatment — make it take a good half-a-minute or longer to do what usually takes a second or two." The result? You'll suddenly discover loads of nerve-endings you never noticed before.
2. Try a new position. Don't give up, and don't feel stupid if you can't make a new position work! "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," says Sussman. "Give it three attempts before you give up on something new. Remember, sex is a skill, and sometimes you need practice!" Rehearsing a new position clothed, before you go full-throttle, can also prevent mid-sex mishaps.
3. Set a goal. Make short-term goals for a long-term improvement in lovemaking. "If, as a two-person team, you decide, 'Let's try one new position a week!' or 'Let's double our lovemaking!', you'll find yourself inspired," says Sussman. The team aspect of it brings you closer, too.
4. Abstain. Believe it or not, not having sex can be sexy. "Ignore intercourse altogether for an evening or two," says Logan Levkoff, a sexologist and sexuality educator in New York City. "Try touching, exploring, and being sensual without the goal of penetration or orgasm. It'll make the act much more exciting when you do get back to it."
5. Give your guy direction. "Men don't have our parts, and they don't naturally know how to use them," says Levkoff. "Keep that in mind and give him a basic lesson in operating instructions." Don't be bossy, and keep it positive — "I love it when you do X, and it'd be even better if you added Y" — and he'll feel like a stud as his skills instantly improve.
6. Stay connected. Sexually, that is. Don't let "I'm not in the mood" turn into "get away from me." Your sexual connection is important. Obviously sometimes you can let yourself be off the hook, but "you should take care of him in some other way whenever possible," says Levkoff. "Remembering your husband's needs, even when you feel overwhelmed, will help you resist resentment and keep the sexual current between you even through the hard times."
7. Redefine your idea of lovemaking. It doesn't have to mean going all the way. "You can be sexual and touchy and erotic without committing to the entire act," says Levkoff. "It's possible for you both to be satisfied without penetration."
8. Develop a sexual language. "Some people can't talk dirty," says Levkoff. "And that's okay. You should try to find a new way to let your partner know what feels great in a way that's comfortable for you." It might be words, it might be moans, but figure out how to let him know you're loving every minute of it — or at least which minutes you're loving.
9. Play games. You can turn teaching into a fun new game. "Play 'Do as I Do,'" say Em & Lo of EmandLo.com, authors of Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen (Plume Books, 2004). "That's when you touch your hubby in exactly the way you wish to be touched and he follows suit, working your way from the top of the head down." Not only do you learn more about each other's pleasure, but you might find something new you like. Bonus!
10. Learn to enjoy a quickie. "In the middle of the night, bring yourself to a super-sexy state," say Em & Lo. "Then wake your husband up for an impromptu session." The advantage here? You avert the usual quickie problem — one of you feeling left out in the foreplay department. By giving yourself the foreplay, you both can jump to some fast fun.
11. See him with starry eyes. Remember: Your husband is still your boyfriend, with all the fun that implies. "Do not assume that just because you are in married, you cannot have it dirty," say Em & Lo. "The idea that marriage, monogamy, or even good manners is the end of dirty, throw-me-against-the-wall, taboo-busting sex is a tired, old myth that you should debunk on a regular basis."
12. Play naked charades. Get ready for your usual lovemaking, but then take turns acting out the sexy things you want to do to each other — if he can guess what you want, he gets to do it! "Your silent but brazen invitation will raise his excitement barometer quite a few inches," says Olivia St. Claire, author of 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed (Harmony Publishing, 2002).
13. Try a new sensation. Before kissing your partner, put a sip of peppermint schnapps in your mouth. "The alcohol has a sensational warming effect, and the mint is an instant cooler," says Suzie Heumann, author of The Everything Kama Sutra Book (Adams Media Corporation, 2004). "The two together are a startling sensation."
14. Pucker up. Slick something slippery and tasty on your lips — like flavored gloss (clear, please!). Softly brush them back and forth across your husband's lips. "The delicate touch will awaken his sense of touch, the slipperiness will make him think wet thoughts, and the flavor ups the sensual quotient," says Heumann. The change from the usual smooch will get his attention, pronto."
15. Find new erogenous zones, in addition to the usual suspects. Heumann suggests: "Take his finger and have him stroke you under the breast, at the cleft of your buttocks, or in a long stroke from your underarm to your hip." "Touch him between his toes, inside his elbows, behind his ears. By stimulating these additional areas, you create a more complete lovemaking experience."
16. Share your desires. Let your partner know what you'd like to try. "Invest in a sex book — it doesn't have to be mine, but I do recommend it — and put pink Post-its on the pages with the positions or tricks you'd like best," says Heumann. "Then leave it on his bedside table. Chances are, you partner will be so excited that you've been fantasizing, you'll never get to Position Three."
17. Focus on your partner — and on your pleasure. If you get distracted by your day, learn to let it go during sex. "Remember to breathe deeply, focus on your pleasurable feelings, and be in the here-and-now with your husband," says Heumann. "This is your time to reconnect — don't let anything interfere."
18. Keep your clothes on. Some of them, at least. There's no rule that says you have to take it all off. "Take a tip from seductive Oriental courtesans, who always kept on a piece of clothing," says Lou Paget, author of How to Be a Great Lover: Girlfriend-to-Girlfriend Totally Explicit Techniques That Will Blow His Mind (Broadway Books, 1999). A wispy camisole, a pair of heels, or a half-opened shirt are teasing turn-ons. These kinds of items revive the thrill of your dating days and make you feel like mysterious strangers on a rendezvous.
19. Find a new place. Pick a place you would never have imagined in a sexy scenario and reserve it for the night. "We all have comfort food and comfort sex, but the reason we like new restaurants is that we wish to have caviar on blini served with creme fraiche," says Paget. Try the kitchen table or even the living room — the heightened feeling of exposure and risk are sure to spice up your session.
20. Try hands-free lovemaking. Try a new rule tonight. "It can be part power play and it can be part surrender to sensation," says Paget. It will compel you to experiment with your nose, mouth, teeth, tongue, and even your toes in ways you'd not thought possible — leaving you with a heightened sense of each other's bodies. At the same time, you'll fantasize about what you could be doing to each other if you could use hands.