“Having a family has never been a priority with me.”
“I realize that.” The faces of Bradley and Timmy danced in my mind. “But ya know, Robert, you’re missing a lot.”
“Probably am. But . . . I made my choice.” The waiter brought the check, and Robert pulled out his leather wallet. “My treat.”
When he reached in to get his credit card, I noticed he didn’t have any pictures in his wallet. Just empty. I thought of Eric’s Velcro wallet popping at the seams, full of family photos and leftover tickets to the kiddie rides at the park. I thought of Timmy running into Eric’s arms. How Eric would cheer like crazy when Bradley would catch a ball. I thought of the college funds he had started for the boys, of the “I love Daddy” cards made with construction paper and crayons that lined Eric’s desk at work. Suddenly, I wanted to see Eric, to hold him, to tell him I loved him. Perhaps he wasn’t moved by the arts the way I was or didn’t need a creative outlet as I did, but I realized we were alike in more important ways.
Robert walked me to my car and kissed me on the cheek. Then he stood back, reached out for my hand. He took my left hand in his and looked down at my wedding ring, then back up at me. Our eyes locked. “You know,” he said softly, “sometimes I wonder if I … if I’ve taken the right roads in life.”
Silence followed except for the traffic sounds on the street. I smiled slightly, shrugged. “I guess we all do at one point or another.”
He nodded. “Yeah, but I wonder a lot. Too much I guess.” He bit his lip and seemed to struggle with his words. “But I want you to know . . . ”he began. “I want you to know that I wish I’d done some things differently when it came to you and me.”
My heart jumped to my throat and I tried to think of something light and casual to say. “20/20 hindsight, I guess,” I remarked. I waited a second, knowing I needed to say more, wanting to say more but not sure what. I touched his sleeve—right inside the crook of his elbow—and smiled wistfully at him, our past hovering in my memory. “But thanks,” I added slowly, “for letting me know that.” When I reached up to give Robert a quick hug, he put his arms around my waist and held me close for a few seconds, his chin resting on the top of my head.
“I’ve got to go,” I whispered, lifting my head away from his shoulder.
“I know you do,” he said, letting go of my waist. He leaned over and opened the car door for me. I got in, fumbling nervously with my keys.
“Take care, Robert,” I said as I pulled the door shut. He nodded and gave me the thumbs-up sign, though he looked sad. I started the engine and drove away before his eyes could meet mine again.
Before I went to pick up the boys, I stopped by the university and signed up for a fiction writing course. The fee was ninety dollars, but I knew it was a bargain for what it would be giving me. Then I went by the new club in town and made a reservation for Eric and me to go dancing. My last stop was at a sewing store where I bought a piece of green fabric to make a flag.END
