A year passed during which my sometimes lover tried to tear away from me, in the “let’s just kiss and say goodbye” mode.
Finally, I went on a trip, and after we’d spent that year chatting several times a day, I asked, “If I don’t contact you for a week, can I see you?” He said yes.
Suddenly I was free. Free to live in the present. While traveling, I found myself productive and engaged in the people I was meeting. Closer in contact with my other friends and family. I didn’t think of him much.
Have you ever said “I am not eating any more xyz,” whether due to an allergy, condition, or diet? That’s how this feels. Peaceful. I feel him inside me. I know he is dealing with his life and that by providing this space, hopefully, he will return to me. Much like when you can start eating something again after having to take a break.
“Set me free why don’t you babe” is another lyric I’d felt with him. While I know in theory I shouldn’t need a lover to set me free but rather do it myself, it is similar to a doctor telling you you can’t eat something you knew all along you should have let go.
Sure I want to be with him. But I thought it would be a huge loss not being able to share my thoughts and experiences on a daily basis. Instead I found myself jotting them down in a private journal or letters I’ve written never meaning to send. While the joy in our interactions was his consistently interesting and thought provoking, I can live without it for now.
I know he appreciates me, wants me to be happy, and has some unfinished business. Giving that space and time to him has freed me to pursue my goals and grow myself. I do hope that we will meet in the future in the right time and place, but for now focusing on myself has been a pleasant surprise much like feeling the energy of a cleanse or a gluten-free diet.