Ten Things You Should Never Tell Your Lover

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Yes, honesty is the best policy, but when it comes to the boudoir—or wherever you’re getting your fun on—discretion really is the better part of valor. As they used to say way back in World War II, “Loose lips sink ships.” Lovers—both male and female—can have very sensitive egos in the realm of sex, so just because you’re thinking it, doesn’t mean the words need cross your lips, especially if they are any of the following: 

10. The number of lovers you’ve been with.
Sure, we SAY we want to know … and then the actual number leads to jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, etc. If it’s a man hearing it, his reactions will range from: “WHAT? IT’S MORE THAN ONE?” to a profundity of peevishness, petulance, and all-around surly-boyishness. If it’s a woman hearing it, well … she already knows you’re a giant man-whore. No need to confirm it.  

9. “Hey, that tickles!”(And tickling wasn’t the objective.)
Two words: performance anxiety. Two more words: therapist’s bills. Not a loving combo. 

8. “Can you wrap it up? Judge Judy’s on in five.”
Or whatever TV show you prefer. Having one’s sexual prowess ranked below Judge Judy (or anyone else on television) is a surefire way to ensure that the next time you ask for sex, you may end up on the wrong side of the remote, if you know what we mean. 

7. Derogatory language in flagrante delicto—unless it’s been specifically pre-approved.
Yes, some of us like to be called “naughty little slutmuffins,” however, there are those of us who would prefer a sweeter tongue. Treat sexually demeaning language in the sack like you would a bogus credit card offer—because nothing’s really ever pre-approved without asking about it first.  

6. “You know, you really suck at (fill in the blank).”
Or, its dreaded alternatives, “My ex did that a lot better than you do it,” or “That’s just how my ex did it!” (Really, nix on comparisons to the ex. It never ends well. Trust us.)  

5. “Our sex life has gotten boring.”
This translates to telling your lover: “You are boring.” Which leads to thoughts of, If I’m so boring, is he/she going to cheat on me? As well as, If he/she thinks I’m so boring, maybe it’s time to pick up my marbles and play elsewhere. 

4. “I think we should invite another man/woman to join us.”
Why do you think that? Because polyamory is the latest catchphrase the media is currently mauling like a small dog with a big bone? Never say never, but if a player to be named later wasn’t in your original agreement, it can be a deal breaker. Big time. 

3. “So where is this relationship going?”
When getting down and dirty, one of the last things you want to surprise your partner with is the preceding string of words that all men fear, otherwise where it will be going at that particular moment is to the land of erectile dysfunction.   

2. “Will that be cash or charge?”
This one’s a no-brainer. (We hope.)  

1. “Honey, I think you’ve put on a couple of pounds in the caboose.”
If you ever want to put a screeching halt to amorous activities, this is the surefire way to do it. All lovin‘ will immediately cease. And you will be unceremoniously directed to the couch for the remainder of the evening, week, month or until the divorce decree becomes final and you move out into your sorry little roach-infested bachelor pad with the broken toaster, creepy neighbors and the leaky toilet, but don’t blame us because we told you so. 

Originally published Sexis 


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