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Thirteen Things My Man Should Know by Now

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  1. Lingerie: If it looks like something Steven Tyler would wear on stage, it’s not going to make me feel sexy—it’s going to make me feel like Steven Tyler.
  2. Humor is an aphrodisiac.
  3. Shower sex is way better in theory than in reality, where gravity, sharp edges, and hard surfaces actually exist.
  4. Sexy men’s underwear is an oxymoron to me. No matter what brand or color you buy. Sorry.
  5. We can’t have sex every time Al Green or Marvin Gaye comes on the radio or your iPod; it’s not logistically feasible.
  6. Dirty talk needs to start with you, because if it starts with it’ll just sound like Tourette’s or like something out of the mouth of Steve Carell in 40-Year-Old Virgin: “Feel My Bags of Sand! Baby!” Either way it’ll kill the mood.
  7. Verbal repartee is an aphrodisiac.
  8. Despite what you think, buying me clothing that is three sizes too small does not equal sexy. It equals poor blood circulation.
  9. I do not have acrobatic flexibility or strength as I have never trained with Cirque du Soliel. Please keep this in mind when introducing new “fun” twists in the bedroom.
  10. Our trust level directly affects my sexual attraction to you. It’s a girl thing. Keep that in mind next time you are inclined to do something really, really dumb.
  11. Honey, Jello, and edible underwear do not sound like fun. They sound like a trip to the department store for new set of sheets.
  12. Your body odor is sexier than Axe body spray, and pretty much all other preteen body products available at Walgreen’s.
  13. Contrary to their intended effect, bulging muscles, unbuttoned top buttons, fake tans, and gelled hair completely annihilate my sex drive. Quiet confidence, worn-in T-shirts, mussed hair, and a touch of awkwardness turn me on. In other words: relax. You’re always the sexiest guy in the room from where I’m looking.

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