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Today I Am Sad

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This day happens to be one of those days. On any other day, I feel pretty fortunate. I have a boyfriend who says I am the love of his life. He lives in Costa Rica, thousands of miles away from me in San Francisco. It would be very difficult without him, if not for my best “boy” friend whom I also love a lot. We see or talk to each other practically every day. I am lucky to always have one or the other.

But not today. It has been nine days since I talked to my boyfriend. It isn’t easy for him to contact me by phone. He has been traveling, and he has been nice to take the time to stop by a few Internet cafes to send me two emails within these days. But I miss his voice. Plus, his email I received this morning had some bad news.

My best friend has a girl visiting from out of town. Presumably, he is occupied for a few days. I can’t help but feel slightly jealous today.

So it is a rare occasion that both my loves are not available to me. It makes me sad. I actually feel alone. It makes me think about my independence and how it has brought me to this place in my life. Me, the ultimate romantic, still single. I’m in love with a boy who I cannot be with. I spend most of my days with a boy who will never fall in love with me.

My happiest days have been with each of them. Of course, my boyfriend is responsible for my top five happiest days of all time. But certainly I credit them both for bringing me the most memorable times of my life.

Sad, lonely days like today make me wish that one of them would just take me in his arms, promise to be with me until we die, and profess his eternal love for me. My heart wishes I was in the perfect time of my life, ready to have a baby, settle into a simple life, and wake up every morning knowing I wasn’t alone anymore. But I am not there yet. I am thirty-six years old, and I am not there yet.

On days like today, I worry about my future. I know what it feels like to be really happy. It only lasts for a few weeks when I am with my love in Costa Rica. We live together in his house like we are married, and I wake up each morning beside him to the sound of singing birds. Will the day come when we no longer have to feel the heavy pain of sadness in our hearts when it is time for me to leave? Will the day come when I no longer have to return to my empty home and sleep in bed without him?

I am tired of missing him. Today I am sad.

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