If you believe half of what you see, one-third of what you hear, and a tenth of what your inner demons whisper to you in the lost hours of your own quiet desperation—then you probably already know that everything is bad for you—everyone, everything.
Well, sex isn’t bad for you. In fact, studies show that it’s good for you. But just because it’s good for you doesn’t mean that you know how to get it. Like that “bright elusive butterfly of love,” the more you chase it, the further it slips from your reach. Kind of like this metaphor, now that we think about it …
So why isn’t your sex life better? Is it because you’re buying into an outdated mindset? Or were you perhaps born under an unlucky sign of the zodiac? Is it being in the wrong place at the wrong time … or could it be that your deodorant doesn’t have the long-lasting quality that you assumed it would? Well, if it’s not, it’s probably due to one of the following factors. Pay heed. Take notes. Change your ways, or the combined furies of Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil will be visited upon you!
10. Women’s magazines. Because being constantly reminded of how fat, ugly, emotionally shallow you are is not the road to teh sexay.
9. The little blue pill. The guys can get it up, and keep it up as long as they want—and it’s rarely when we’re turned on or interested in a lengthy bout of their loving attention, which, when chemically induced is actually quite horrifying.
8. Red meat. Because it makes you sluggish and gives you high cholesterol and poorer bowel function, thus making you less interested (and interesting).
7. Vegans. Because they make you look even more sluggish by comparison.
6. Depression. The damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don’t on the list, depression kills your sex drive—and so do, ofttimes, the antidepressants themselves. Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you sleep alone. Sadly, no one’s yet tried to test the theory of come, and the whole world comes with you.
5. Your laptop. All your LOLz and TMIs and NSAs are making his sperm turn into Hulu-mush—along with your mind. Expect Alec Baldwin to show up at your door with a straw anytime now.
4. Asparagus. The smell and taste of your dainty parts after consuming this phallic veggie may have them looking for a new partner by morning … and if they’ve eaten it, you’re surely going to suffer.
3. Ambien. Because when you take it, you can’t remember whether you had sex or not without checking the sheets.
2. Pollution. Because it causes breathing problems and no one—including you—has the sexual stamina they did in the pre-smog days (or maybe you’re just getting old).
1. Stress. Because you see your boss’s face every time you close your eyes, so instead of wanting to make sweet, sweet love to your partner, you just want to crawl into a hole and suck … your thumb.
Top Seven Honorable Mentions
1. Republicans. Yeah, so Sarah Palin was, for a brief, shimmerin‘ moment the MILFiest MILF to ever MILFed her way into the MILF-holes of our hearts … and then she started to talk. And she hasn’t stopped yet—her two nearest-n-dearest pet projects are to keep the gayz from gettin’ married, and teens from havin‘ sex—good luck, Sarah!
2. Michelle Obama’s arms. Because ours will never look that good.
3. Craigslist. Because now all our guys want us to be 19 – 24 YO HWP Asian girls looking for a sugar daddy or some NSA fun. And it’s hard to get your sexay on when you’re still trying to crack the latest acronym.
4. Democrats. Because they’re godless socialists who can’t appreciate a good teabagging.
5. Tyra. Because she champions women’s rights on her daytime show, but on her nighttime show, she champions eating disorders.
6. Smoking. Our doctor made us put this on the list when we stopped at their office because we were gasping and enjoying the occasional bout of urinary incontinence when we coughed.
7. Desperation. Because even a thorough soak in a Bath & Body Works-perfumed bath doesn’t quite obliterate the scent of a desperate woman on the prowl.
Originally published on Sexis