Toxic Relationship – How Do I Not Do This Again?

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Here is the text of a post I did in a relationship forum, I just finished with my boyfriend two days ago. I definitely feel we’ve known each other for lifetimes, I adore him and don’t see it working in this life. Advice please? Thanks.

“Some time ago I posted on this forum and the replies I got were really smart—they basically said, Get the hell out!

I don’t know where that post is, but I did leave him (shaking, apparently—I felt I was at serious risk of getting badly hurt). After six months of hell and building myself up again things finally started going good, then I texted him to get my stuff from his storage. I told my friend I didn’t want to see him ever again and she said, oh just get it over with, what’s the big deal, get your stuff back.

Well I did see him (in a public place) and the love just gushed from me, and also from him. Turns out he narrowly avoided getting committed after I left him, he went to pieces and had been getting himself together for not too long.

To cut it short, he pursued me and I kept saying no, but then gave in because he is gorgeous—we always have a great physical connection—and he promised he had changed. I was extremely skeptical and slow to agree to this.

Weird story—he was still living in the same place (dump), which already told me he had not changed that much. I started seeing him again and that meant he was pretty much always at my place, I refused to go to his place, then weirder things started to happen at his place. To cut it short, it seems there’s a ghost there—which I did hear when I was there. Different psychics started telling him the same story—a woman had died violently there, and had had a lot to do with us breaking up. One went so far as to say that the ghost was in love with him and was trying to get him to kill me when I was there.

Yes, very weird, but happened to fit with a few things—like he was always saying when I was with him that he didn’t recognize himself, he didn’t know why he behaved like he did, that he knew he was acting insanely. Also he told me one really grisly vision he had when he was with me, but since then he admitted that he often saw the walls covered with blood when he was there, he just didn’t realize what he was looking at. When I was there, I just thought there was a very evil part of him that he was blind to.

So when he started staying with me again and weirder stuff was happening where he lived, I said move in with me. But with no intention that he was to set up home with me full time, as the place is hardly big enough for two. I thought he was serious for once, that he’d apply himself to making money and there was even a chance for me to take over a friend’s house and us to start a family. Despite everything, I really love him and I know he loves me.

BUT—he doesn’t earn much money, talks of his dreams but I’ve been around a lot of successful men and they certainly don’t act like he does.

Plus in the month we were together he started doing his old stuff (after the initial two weeks, which was wonderful and I was starting to trust him and we were communicating great).

His old stuff includes provoking me, which means he’ll say something that he knows will get to me, and my reaction is to slug him. I did this a couple of times and honestly didn’t hit him as hard as in the past. What happens is then he tries to stop me and we struggle and I get hurt. Twice in the past week my neck got hurt and I realize that’s nothing to be played with—that’s a risk of death. Typically there are things we strictly don’t mention, and he will provoke me by saying things that I would never pull on him—and that would enrage me. He says ‘Ooops, sorry, that was a mistake.’ And keeps making the mistake. So I hit him.

So on top of everything else, after two weeks of being with me like a gigolo I’d had enough and after him getting really angry he left the next day. Then we made up—him sleeping on his friend’s couch, at the age of forty-two.

Yesterday something happened, a big blow up, and I took the opportunity to remember what a good friend has been saying to me, and finish the relationship. It was really difficult because I love him to death, but I do feel he could be the death of me. He could really lose it, I know, and he doesn’t provide financially like I want a man to, and believe he should. He also stops me making money through his cumbersome jealousy and paranoia—although he has a tendency to try to make me jealous and create triangles of one form or another, with his kid or whomever. I don’t believe he’d ever cheat on me, but I think he was running a lot of sexual and bullshit energy with women before he met me, and I taught him not to. But he is still ethically hazy—like we agreed he should get rid of some sexually suggestive photos that were done with him in a photo shoot when we were apart, then I find out he still has the photos and was going to give them to his friend for his ‘book’ (photography). Garbage. So we wasted a morning on that.

Anyhow, I feel if I’m alone for a year I’ll create some financial security for myself. I told him the truth yesterday, as he’d asked was I embarrassed to be seen with him in front of my friends (we always stay in, making love usually—he hasn’t got money for much else and hasn’t got much interest to do anything else). I told him what was REALLY embarrassing was to be with a man who didn’t want to look after me, and that he possesses no instincts whatever to provide and protect, which I think is essential in a man. Etc.

My question is, finally, that I think I must have really low self worth to get into a relationship like this where the man offers just sex and companionship, is gorgeous but too into being gorgeous, is mean, who is overly jealous and paranoid with the danger of being extremely violent, who is not a person with much integrity or dignity. Much as I really love him, despite everything. And I know he loves me, but this is how he loves and it doesn’t satisfy me. He badly wants to make me pregnant—without money, without him being able to look after himself even. He thinks he’ll ‘make it’ in his business, but I think he doesn’t think enough of himself to allow himself success or lots of good things.

So I accept that it’s my fault to find this situation attractive, but I still adore him and I feel devastated about finishing. I still wish that somehow we could be together, although the way things are it would mean my destruction—and people say I look awful when I’m with him! And he wants constant attention, even when I’m not with him, on the phone. He takes my energy and it shows on all levels in my life.

What’s to say I wouldn’t create something like this with a new person, even worse? How can I heal myself not to create this again? Yes I did have a lousy childhood, the themes here are very familiar to me, but how do I heal? Would appreciate some help on this, thanks. The comments I got last time I was here were very insightful and smart.”


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