Unable to Give Up

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I am thirty-one years old. I was previously in a long term relationship with my son’s father for about six years, until I found out that he was on drugs. I left him when my son was two years old because I knew that it was a terrible situation and not a good environment for me nor my son. I was a single mother for about one year, when I finally decided to be in another relationship with a long time friend of mine (Kevin). I thought that my situation was bad, and I was depressed raising my son by myself. I did not want to be lonely. So that was one of the reasons why I took another chance at this relationship.  

Kevin and I were always two different people, liked different things. I am outgoing and like to go out and enjoy myself. He was more quiet, and to himself. Even though we had our differences, I knew that he was the one for me, and that he can balance my life out. He was my mentor and a good provider for me and my son. Two years later, we had a daughter and we continued to be a family. The disagreements of the way we were so different started becoming more and more intense in the house, and all we seemed to do was argue 24/7 around the children. The arguments started getting worse. I would tell him things like: I was using him, he was really not the person for me, and he would say things like: He wishes that I was someone else, and that I am not the woman for him, and that he is looking for a real woman. I am not sure if he really meant these things, but I would say these awful things to him out of anger. 

In the middle of all of this, I also cheated on him several times. He never knew about this. He is so sneaky and quiet that I never really knew if he was doing the same. At this time, it may sound funny after all of the arguments and problems that we have been having, but we were looking at different single family homes. I thought that we were just looking, until one day when I was in my room, he told was going the a list of dos and don’ts that I was not supposed to be doing when we move into a new house. For example: no smoking in the garage, keep the house clean, no dishes left in the sink. As if I was a child. Then he told me that he had just closed and signed all the documents on a single family home. I already had the key on my keychain without me even knowing it. From the time that I got pregnant with my daughter, I had been talking about marriage. But it never came because he said that he wanted me to change my ways first. I am not understanding how we can have a single family home and raise a family, but I would still have to change my ways before we could get married. 

So anyways, we moved into our new home in February. The arguments never stopped. We would disagree on everything under the sun. It was weighing down on me and making me so depressed. It was affecting me, him, our relationship, and of course the children. He wants me to be a different type of person. I just want him to love me for me and accept me. (Am I being selfish?) I want him to compromise with me. It started affecting how I started taking care of my children. I started to slack up, and just not care anymore about anything. One day, I came home, and found the computer still on. I went to it and saw that his email was still up. I looked into his inbox and discovered that he had been talking to this girl, telling her that he wants to be there for her and that he is into her. I called her the next day, and she told me that they knew each other from a long time ago, and that he looked her up on MySpace and found her. He was pursuing her. 

I also found out that he had another email address and found out that he had his picture on the personals page and that he had signed up to meet people. He had been emailing over eighty different girls. I was so heart broken because, I just found out that I am pregnant again. When I called the first girl, I asked her if she has ever been to our home, and she said that he told her that he lived in another city than were we lived at and he showed her a house in some other city. Upon doing further investigation, I found a utility bill in his name with a different address. I confronted him about it, and he finally told me the truth. He bought another house one month before he bought the house that we are in now. When he took me to this house, I wanted to faint. The house was twice as big as ours and is worth over $800,000. I asked him why he would get this house knowing that we can barely afford the mortgage to the house where we are now. He told me that he bought it for investment purposes. It does not take a scientist to know that you do not buy a house for that price to use as an investment purpose unless you’re rich or something, and as far as I know, he’s not.

So, I am still confused about a lot of things. I am angry and devastated and embarrassed that he would do this to me and the children. Kevin is a good provider, and a good father, but not a good partner. I had to find out about another house that he had through another girl. All I do is cry and feel depressed. He has lied to me and I can’t trust him. I ask him why did he do this to me, and he swears that he never had sex with anyone, and that he did it because I do not appreciate him, and because we argue all the time. All I do is think about plans to ruin his life. I have told his entire family that he was on the internet emailing fifteen-year-old girls. I inquired about paying someone to beat him up, among other things. I know that it is not right, but I want him to pay for what he has done to me. After all of this, I still want to marry him. I do not want to raise three kids by myself. He says that he will always be there for the children, but I would have to go to counseling first. (That’s the problem, he’s always there for the kids, but what about me.) We like to play the blame game. He says that he also needs to go to counseling, but the only reason why he needs it is to deal with me. I disagree. If a man needs to go to counseling to deal with someone else, then I really am lost for words. Please give me suggestions, I am not sure whether this relationship is too far gone, or is it workable.  Because, I am unable to give up.



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