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Victim No More

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I did not have a life like most six-year-old’s; I was being molested by a close family member. My abuse lasted until I was about eleven years old. I soon turned to drugs, alcohol, and sex. I had my first child at barely fifteen. I moved right into violent relationships. I was very angry and had no peace at all. I was self-centered almost narcissistic. I would lay in bed and dream of a life with a man that did not hit me. A life where I was not in bondage at all. No drugs and no hitting or hate. I had come to the conclusion that my life was going to stay as it was right then, happiness was for everyone else but me.

I had been in a relationship for about seven months and things started getting crazy. He got really messed up on drugs and was paranoid. He kidnapped me for three days. Mostly just driving around. He stopped and put a knife to my throat. At that point, I just told him to do it. I was just tired and did not care. I could not believe I had fallen so far. He had taken me back to his mom’s house and after several hours of fighting and violation, I had him talked into taking me to my daughter’s house. As we were about to turn left, he looked at me and he crossed three lanes to turn right. I will never forget the look on his face. At that moment, I knew he was going to kill me. I opened the door and told him to pull over and let me out. He just went faster. It was like revelation. I was not going to die like this. I opened the door a little further and jumped out.

I faded in and out. I remember getting up, people standing around me, and was looking around for him. Of course he did not stop or come back to see if I was okay. I was in the hospital for six days with four of those in ICU. I bruised my lungs, broke my left arm, and dislocated my left shoulder. I left the hospital with no where to go. My family had had enough. I went to a domestic violence shelter and that was the turning point in my life. They loved me when I could not love myself.

May 15, 2005 is my free from abuse date and my sobriety date. The life I have now is the one I often dreamed about. I am married to a wonderful man now and do not even crave drugs anymore. I feel so blessed. I still have trouble with social functioning but today I have a choice. I have a choice to live. I get scared all the time. Change and stress is the biggest triggers. That is okay though because I know I have a purpose today. I am currently in school to be a social worker in hopes of making a difference like someone made the difference in my life. Today I am not a victim—I am a survivor.

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