It happened today. I met him for lunch to ask him his three goals for family, career, and himself. I thought this would give me a clue as to what was going on with him, as over a year of joint therapy did not work. He said he got nothing out of it and shared no insight on our relationship. I also asked him if separation, working it out, or divorce was on his mind and what action was he planning on taking with the answer.
I had all my questions answered. Although it saddened me tremendously, it is where he is in life. He chose divorce and gave me the plan, along with his goals. The surprising thing was he actually said divorce with a conviction I have never heard him say before. He even gave me a reason, which was that he was not going to end up like his father. If his parents would have divorced, he would not turned out the way he had. That might be true, but I told him he had always had the power to change and the past is just that. The past. It cannot touch you unless you let it.
He is a better dad now to his boys, which is good. (We have been living separately.) On the other hand, it is VERY hard for me. He had asked me to give up my business partner, who was just that, my business partner. I did. My health has not been good—mono at forty, which I am sure is due to stress. I have not been able to work at my job, which is now gone, and I am trying to regain my health to get back out there. Presently, I am waiting for a biopsy test to come back. I am praying it is benign. I have no money, as I have not been working.
I am glad he has found his path, but I have given up my business friend (as he did not like her and she moved out of state) and lost my health in the name of love. I know I will gain it all back, but it will take time, and he has agreed to support me until I am on my feet. I am still living in his town, which I have to say is the best thing for now. My family is not available, but they would not be any other place I went either. I feel very isolated, alone, and frustrated as I work on building my new life. I know I am not the first and will not be the last. This is a comfort, but the question that plagues me—I did all he asked and gave up my friend, business, and health and now he goes. Why?
The beauty is … I will regain all I had and more. I can make THAT change when life throws that curve ball. (Boy, was it curved and swift.) It is just frustrating that I was willing to do what it takes to work it out with him, but he could not. I need someone who will fight for me as much as I fight for them. This I know for sure; the rest will happen soon as my will is strong. I just need a moment before I go forth. Can I have that moment to face the challenge ahead? Wow, it is overwhelming!