You sign up for an online dating site. You start checking out guys’ profiles. You start to notice a pattern. A lot of men, it seems, are “easygoing,” “like to travel,” and post shirtless photos. You see so much of this that you wonder if their profiles aren’t written in some sort of secret code. What does “easygoing” really mean? They like to travel, but do they? And what’s with all the man boobs? So many profiles, so many questions, so few answers. Because we’re not afraid to be service-y here at The Frisky, we’ve created the first ever decoder for understanding what men are really saying in their online dating profiles.
1. He’s “easygoing,” “laid-back,” or “mellow.”
a) He’s a chill kind of guy, temperament-wise.
b) He’s incapable of making decisions.
c) He smokes a lot of pot.
2. He’s 39.
a) He’s 39.
b) He’s 47.
c) He’s 58.
3. He’s “outgoing,” “very social,” or “likes to have FUNNN!!!!!!!!!!”
a) He’s a blast.
b) His middle name is Jack Daniels.
c) He’s a lot better when he’s on his meds.
4. He’s currently separated.
a) He’s a few months from his divorce being final.
b) He’s still married, technically.
c) His wife is going to be really PO’d if she finds out about this.
5. He’s self-employed.
a) He runs his own business.
b) His job is living with his parents and watching TV in their basement.
c) He’s a pimp.
6. He loves to travel.
a) He takes three or four trips a year.
b) When he was 6, he went to Disney World.
c) He’s like that guy in “Up in the Air.”
7. He has no photo.
a) He doesn’t want his coworkers/friends/other to recognize him.
b) He is wanted by the police in several states and Guam.
c) He is a gnome.
8. He is looking for his “lost rib,” his “loss rib,” or his “other rib.”
a) He wants to find a woman who completes him.
b) He is missing a rib.
c) He wants to eat you for dinner.
9. He’s “normal,” “average,” or “the guy next door.”
a) He’s normal.
b) He’s a sleeper, not a keeper.
c) He’s a psychopath.
10. He wants to find a nice “lady.”
a) He appreciates women.
b) He is 67.
c) He’s a virgin.
11. He says sex is important to him.
a) He believes a healthy sex life is an important part of a relationship.
b) He’s a perv.
c) He’s masturbating to your profile RIGHT NOW.
12. He’s tired of being on this dating site.
a) He’s tired of being on this dating site.
b) He’s tired of women on this dating site ignoring his emails.
c) He’s about to go postal.
13. He doesn’t like “drama,” is “drama-free,” or says “NO DRAMA-LADIEZ, PLZ!”
a) He avoids unnecessary upset or conflict in his life.
b) He has a thing for crazy chicks.
c) He has a heart condition.
14. He uses ellipses excessively, incorrectly, and without logic.
a) He doesn’t care about stuff like punctuation.
b) He thinks typing is an art, and he can do whatever he wants.
c) His vocabulary is limited and consists mostly of dots.
15. His main photo is of him shirtless.
a) He’s got a hot body.
b) He’s a man-slut.
c) He thinks shots of greasy, tan fur boobs makes women hot.
16. He has a list of things you shouldn’t be.
a) He’s picky.
b) He’s a jerk.
c) He can’t stand these qualities in himself.
17. He includes his personal email in his profile but in code.
a) He’s ready to get off this site and start dating in real life.
b) He’s easy.
c) He likes spam.
18. He wants a woman who is “fit,” “athletic,” or writes “no fatties.”
a) He has a healthy lifestyle and wants his partner to as well.
b) He’s a jerk.
c) He’s fug.
19. He really wants to hear from you.
a) He really wants to hear from you.
b) He is going to throw himself off a bridge if HE DOESN’T HEAR FROM SOMEONE SOON SO PLEASE EMAIL HIM OK????
c) He hasn’t been on the site in three months.
20. He likes sushi, does yoga, and enjoys shopping.
a) He like sushi, does yoga, and enjoys shopping.
b) He thinks women want a guy who likes sushi, does yoga, and enjoys shopping.
c) He hates sushi, doing yoga, and shopping.
21. He’s 6’.
a) He’s 6’.
b) He’s 5’9”.
c) He’s 5’11”.
Originally published on The Frisky