Last week on the subway in New York, I overheard three guys discussing another friend’s impending engagement.
“When he told me he bought her a ring, I almost started crying,” one of them declared, to a chorus of sighs.
They all chimed in about their pal’s doomed future.
“It’s such a mistake,” one muttered, “He’s way too young.”
These guys, I should add, were all about thirty years old.
It’s a conversation I’ve had a million times with friends of both genders and various sexual orientations—exactly when are we grown up enough for marriage? And why does there seem to exist an ever-growing divide between men and women over the most appropriate age for tying the knot?
Even Archie, the redheaded comic strip hero, finally settled down last week after sixty-eight
Sixty-eight years of waffling between two potential brides. In a very disappointing (but realistic!) decision, he dumped sweetheart Betty in favor of vixen Veronica.
Everyone at this Web site wholeheartedly believes that Betty is far better off without ugly old Archie. (And not just because Bettys always root for Bettys.) Still, the news left me disturbed.
Why did it take Archie sixty-eight years to make up his mind?
I’m guessing Betty and Veronica were ready to make things official around year 40, year 41 tops. And what is it about a bad girl that leaves men falling at her stiletto-clad feet?
To get to the bottom of the great marriage age debate, I turned to some guy friends. And of course, Facebook.
The answers below are brutal, funny and (mostly) honest. Gird yourselves, ladies, and prepare to hear the truth about men and marriage proposals.
What is the best age for a man to marry?
“The perfect age is 40 since 30 is the new 20 and 40 is the new 30. Of course, the perfect age of my bride is still 27 to 29.”
“Depends. Is she the type of bride that can pick up English quickly, or does the catalog tell you she wants to bring some of her family over from Siberia to ‘get to know you’?”
“I didn’t know it was right for me until I knew. I realized that, unlike every other woman, my lady wasn’t bat sh*t crazy. It’s not so much right time, it’s right person.”
What’s the worst way for a woman to get you to propose?
“A lady with a marriage timeline? That’s a deal breaker. She’s not interested in you. She’s interested in keeping her mother at bay. Or she bows before the temple of outdated social mores that dictate all women be married by their 20s, reproduce in their 30s, and get nipped and tucked into Stepford acceptability by their 40s.”
“A girl that pressures me for a committed relationship gets shown out so I don’t have to deal with marriage heat.”
“Get pregnant shortly before her mother runs for vice president.”
Okay, so what tactics works best to snag a ring?
“Put a channel block on whatever network airs Bridezillas.”
“Tell him you’re pregnant. Duh. Then have a ‘miscarriage’ on the honeymoon. This has the benefit of both playing on his guilt and allowing you to gain weight before your wedding day.”
“Three words: I. Am. Dying.”
“If a girl is hot, rich and willing to satisfy my every sexual desire I am willing to enter into an 8- to 12-week probationary period.”
“Pledge to never get too fat, go too crazy or bring your parents over for more than two hours (per month). Also, put on a cooking expedition. Show off your 4-H skills. Have a skills competition or expo. Wife Expo 09! And if you’re really serious, promise Friday morning b.j.s.”
Originally published on BettyConfidential