When is enough, enough? I guess I may never learn this. Or maybe this is one lesson I don’t want to learn. I was twenty-four years old and on a break from my boyfriend. An old grade school girlfriend and I decided to hit the town for some dancing and meet up with old friends. Somehow we ended up at a party that was being held by another grade school friend that we hadn’t seen in ages. Oh, it was like stepping back into high school. We ran into so many of our friends, but there was one in particular. I will call him “cowboy.” But there he was, cowboy, standing up against the wall with his jeans, boots and cowboy hat. I remember asking someone “who is that hottie” and they said “oh, you know him, that’s so and so, you all went to grade school together.” My mouth dropped to the floor. How did this guy go from geek to chic? Well, I have pictures of him and me from very young ages. Wow, did he look good. Well, the night went on and we started to hang out after that. Then it happened, my ex came back and of course I took that path. I dumped “cowboy,” not realizing how much I hurt his feelings. Years went by, I got married had kids. Then a few years ago I decided to leave my husband. With in a few months of my separation I ran into that ole’ cowboy. We went out a few times and I was in love. Yes, I know it was very soon after leaving my husband and I was not divorced yet, but I didn’t care. I felt things with this guy that I have not felt in years. A few months went by and he dumped me. I was so heartbroken, I almost forgot how it felt to be dumped. We decided to stay friends, and we did.
My separation went on for about a year, then I decided it was time to get divorced. I was still talking to “cowboy”, and still feeling the same way as I did two years prior. We tried dating again, but even though I still had those same feelings I guess he didn’t. I finally (after two years of this) told him how I truly, truly felt. He didn’t have much to say. We didn’t talk for a few months, then out of nowhere, I get an email from him asking how have I been and that he has been thinking about what I said. I played it off, but my heart just sank. I so wanted him to be in my life again, but was faced with the same behavior from years prior. Then it happened, he asked me over one night. We talked and he kissed me. Yes, it was the same feelings as I had had years before. I still felt the same way for him, but had to explain that I didn’t not want to get hurt and I would rather him just be a friend if it meant we were safe. He said he understood, but still wanted to hang out and go to dinner. At that moment I felt like I was finally getting the man that I wanted, but in the same sentence feeling as if though I was being used and how dare he just decide after three years that he wanted more from me.
So here I am, three years later, still feeling the same way about this man. My friends all tell me to let him go and to tell him to take a hike, but for some reason something keeps drawing him and I together. Yeah, maybe it’s just me, but I am sure that someday I will figure it out for myself. I guess I have crossed milestone when I was able to confront him about how I truly felt, but also stop anything from going further knowing how much he can hurt me. I guess I just don’t know when enough is enough?
