Diana hates her birthday. Now that she is thirty-nine for the last time and forty-five is around the corner, she is tired of being a good sport. “I never thought I would still be single,” she wailed to no one in particular. Living alone had become a nightmare, and the reality that children were not likely stabbed through her like a knife.
“Why did I ruin it?” she sobbed. “He wasn’t that bad. I thought he was the one at first. He was really into me. But the minute I started to talk about marriage, everything completely changed.” She began to cry uncontrollably. “He was my last chance, I just know it.”
This birthday was really painful. Last year she had taken Todd home and introduced him to her family. He didn’t want to be called a boyfriend, but she chose to ignore that. She knew that he was, even if he didn’t say so. She had waited almost six months before approaching the commitment talk. He pulled away faster than the D.C. metro. And now … she was alone … again.
Diana glanced at her voice mail … ten messages. She couldn’t bring herself to listen to all the birthday greetings. She hated her birthday and every year, as she kissed her dreams good-bye, it got worse. Plus time kept getting faster and faster.
Is it too late for Diana? Unless she does something to change her attitude, yes. Harsh? Maybe. Honest? Yes. Diana has put so much pressure on herself to manifest a husband and family that she broadcasts a desperate vibe that is turning every prospect away. She thinks she can put on a happy face and act as if she is fine but she is not fooling anybody.
What would I tell her if she asked me? I would remind her of the meaning of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result each time. I would ask her a few important questions like these:
1. Did you have a boyfriend that broke your heart in high school?
2. Has anyone ever cheated on you?
3. Was your dad cruel or manipulative or absent?
4. Did a male teacher belittle you or humiliate you in public?
5. Have you been raped or beaten?
If Diana answered yes to any of these questions I would tell her this: Those past experiences left an imprint on you that is here right now, as strong as it ever was. Memories with painful emotions attached to them are controlling your every move when it comes to choosing the men you allow to get close to you. Find someone to help you release these painful imprints. Whether it is a pastor, a counselor, a coach, or other mentor, don’t try to do this alone.
If your microwave is on the blink, you don’t take a screwdriver to it, take it apart, rebuild it, and put it back together, do you? Why do you think you can find your own problem, take yourself apart, and rebuild your heart by yourself? If you are really serious about finding a soul mate and building a family, there is one thing you absolutely must do.
You must do something—no make that everything—differently than you have so far. If marriage has eluded you, face the music and change course. Don’t let the painful memories from the past stop you from finding true love. Once you set a new course, get the marching orders from someone able to help you and then move forward … you will find what you are looking for. I promise.
Do you ever wonder if it is too late for you? Did you answer “yes” to any of those questions? If so, I would love to speak to you.