Why I Need to Learn to Keep My Big Fat Mouth Shut!

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Sometimes when I have really intense feelings, I think about them over and over. I think while I am driving or walking or taking a shower and while I am trying to go to sleep and they kind of take control and overwhelm me. I think this is because I have a really hard time expressing how I feel into words. I hate confrontations; I fret and worry over expressing my needs and wants. I think it is because I am not sure how the other person will respond. I know how I want them to respond, but I am so afraid that I will not get the response I am looking for that I just shy away from talking.

So what eventually happens is that I take all these bottled up feelings and all of a sudden blurt them all out. The thoughts and words are not organized and sometimes they come out the wrong way. They come out hurtful, or threatening or damaging even though I want to them to come out another way. So, right then and there I am not going to get the response that I want, I am going to get the response I am dreading and then everything falls apart and I am hurt and the other person is hurt or angry.

Is it intentional? No, it really isn’t. When I care deeply for someone, I make the big mistake of thinking that if they care for me, they will know what I am thinking and feeling. That is very unfair to the other person. I need to learn to take baby steps, to express a small need or desire and see how that works. And then eventually with more and more communication maybe I will get better at expressing how I feel and developing the right way to approach a feeling that might be uncomfortable to talk about. I need to find a way to express that I need to know how the other person feels and what they want and how to tell them how I feel and what I want.

But just opening my mouth and letting my feelings and thoughts come out without slowing down and listening and waiting for a response has been very damaging to a few of my friendships and relationships. I love deeply, I care a lot when I am in a relationship or a friendship and I am totally committed. I am probably the best friend a person could have, if I could just learn to express my needs and feelings without being afraid of rejection, disappointment or even of the other person being mad at me. I know in my heart it is okay if someone is mad at me, I just don’t like when that happens. I never in a million years would want to hurt, disappoint or anger someone I care about and I hope that the one thing I can learn this coming New Year is that communication is a two way street. I have to communicate my feelings, I cannot expect the other person to guess how I am feeling and I need to slow down and listen and give the other person a chance to reassure me, or disagree with me and to know that there will be disagreements and disappointments in all relationships and that doesn’t mean the other person hates me or will be angry with me forever or vice versa, it is just a stepping stone towards understanding each other better. That is what relationships are all about!

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” —Winston Churchill


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