It’s been a trying few weeks in our house. My husband is working overtime to catch up on bills and my lupus has been flaring, making me less useful than normal. Our son is reveling over being out of school and not doing much substantially. But it’s the usual stuff that makes a family a family. You have an argument, you get over it. You stop talking for a day and forgive each other the next. But what happens when that next day doesn’t come?
My best friend and I have been married about the same amount of years—I’ve been married twelve years this month and she’ll be married ten years in October. We both rant about our husbands from time to time, either by phone or email, or, when we can find the time, in person. But it blows over in a few days and everything goes back to normal. But lately, we’re finding some of our friends and co-workers, who’ve been married for twenty or thirty years, are getting divorced. And without warning. Of course, a marriage counselor would say there are always signs; it just depends on whether or not you choose to notice them. But the husbands are the ones who are just walking out. “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Are they kidding? And just how much have they put into their marriages. They work, they mow the lawn, and they put up the lights on Christmas trees. The production of their children required barely any work on their part, but their wives were the ones who went through the pregnancies and babyhoods and, I’d guess, handled most of the kid’s problems. So the husbands are tired of looking at their wives. And the men look so great?
I missed my thirty-fifth high school reunion in February because I was in the hospital. I saw pictures on Facebook, and to be honest, I couldn’t recognize any of the men. They were gray-haired, balding, paunchy and well … looked forty-eight. The women, however, looked great. At least I could recognize them. Sure, some had put on some weight (as I have too) but the men I thought were so handsome in high school looked old and tired. So who do these guys leaving their wives think they’re going to get? A beauty queen? A Hollywood actress? I’ve got news for these guys, but those women have husbands or significant others. They don’t need a fifty-year-old divorced father of three. Plus, we always wonder just why a person is divorced. I did when I met my husband. He was separated from his first wife when I met him. We didn’t start dating until he was divorced. I heard his side of the story, plus added stories from his mother and sisters, and some of my co-workers who knew his first wife. I’d like to meet his first wife, just to get her side of the story. I think anyone marrying a divorced person should know the whole story before the wedding. I have to say my husband was not mean or cruel when he spoke of his first wife; he just said she loved to spend money they didn’t have and didn’t like to work. That was shown in bankruptcy court when my husband had to file. She had left him with over $20,000 in debt and there was no way he could pay off the bills, the mortgage, and the car payment. If he divorced me now, he’d be in the same place. We depend on each other financially as well as emotionally.
I think some of these men (or women) will look back wistfully on their marriages. They probably have no idea what their spouses did for them. How much was handled that they had no idea went on. It’s like my son, who is just realizing that when he throws his dirty clothes in his hamper (or when he does, and not on the floor), it’s Mom or Dad who washes it, folds it, irons it (if necessary), and then asks him to put it away. And why we get so pissed off when he doesn’t do it. I’m sure there are men who are self-sufficient. Especially those who stayed single in their twenties and lived on their own. But those who got married right out of high school or college, or lived at home for a period of time where their mother did everything for them, they have no idea what it’s like to run a household, care for kids, pay bills, and get yourself to work every day. They’re in for a big surprise—and in my opinion, they deserve it.
