Did you know that when it comes to online dating, it’s a chick’s market? Apparently, dudes get shut down left and right, and women get winked and emailed to death. If you check out OnlineDatingMatchMaker.com, you’ll see that it’s men who are sending out plenty of emails, but rarely do they get a return email. Sucks for you, fellas! Regardless, we here at The Frisky are big fans of the males, and we thought we would explain why you never heard back from us.
Your Photos Are Weird. In an effort to show how hard you can party, you posted pictures of yourself passed out on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras, getting tased while chasing after the mascot of your favorite team, and wearing a lot of wacky hats. DATING FAIL. Other crimes against profile pics include you making weird faces, you making the same face in every shot, and you with your ex but with her face crossed out thanks to some spastic Photoshop scrubbing. Also: remove photos that don’t include you.
Your Game Is, Shall We Say, Lacking. Your idea of a first email opening line: “Hello, thank you for checking out my profile,” “Might I say, you are an exceedingly beautiful young lady,” “What u doin rieght now wanna chat im sloppysoupsales on AOL.” Russ Ruggles, who runs OnlineDatingMatchmaker.com, recommends the “one-line hook.” Pick something specific in our profile and respond to it in an interesting, engaged way. Dating magic!
You Supplicate Yourself. People say women care about how much a man makes, how tall he is, and how hot he is. Lies, we say, all lies. We get major mental boners for confidence. Especially here at The Frisky, where we’re all, like, empowered, you know, we need a man with a pair. Not shoes. Cojones. There is nothing, nothing more attractive than a man who is confident, and confidence is, frankly, easier to telegraph via email than in person, where all kinds of physical tells can give you and your insecurities away. Come correct, son!
No Negging Allowed. What’s “negging,” you say? Basically, it’s one of those pick-up artist techniques that supposedly gives random dudes mystical powers over the ladies. If a man walks up to a woman and promptly insults her, the theory goes, she will be putty in his hands. In addition to this being inherently stupid, it doesn’t work, particularly not these days, because now we all know what negging is, and, yo, we ain’t haven’ it.
We Fell Asleep Halfway Through Paragraph 4 of Your 5-Paragraph Email Essay. It’s hard to know what the greatest emailing-on-a-dating-site crime is, but we have to believe that being totally boring is quite possibly the worst. Researching how to get a date online, thinking through your email, and, for the love of God, proofreading it are all well and good, but we are romantics at heart, and we’re looking for a spark. If the tone of your email reminds us of a conversation we had the other day with the mechanic, we likely will not be responding.
Slow Down, Buddy! In a first email, we don’t want your phone number, personal email address, or chat ID anymore that we want your shoe size, your social security number, or number of cavities. This will result in prompt deletion. Because we get more winks, emails, and what-have-you than men, the fact of the matter is that we’re looking for a reason to say no. We gotta filter out the chum somehow, homes. Don’t give us fodder.
Too Smarty McSmartyPants. You have a Ph.D. and you are not afraid to use it with your polysyllabic vocabulary! You have multiple graduate degrees and feel the need to remind us of that fact! You are very culturally sophisticated and have figured out how to reference Godard in your opening missive! We’re looking to date your heart, not your head. Show us you, and we might send you an email back. Imagine that!
Ten Signs It’s Time to Get Over a Breakup and Move On
Girl Talk: The iPhone Is Ruining My Long-Distance Relationship
Thirty-Two Real-Life Relationship Dealbreakers
Originally published on The Frisky