Will I Ever Get It Right?

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I don’t know what’s wrong with me! Just when everything goes the way I want … I somehow manage to destroy it!

There’s this guy I really like, that I find sexy as hell! “Sex on legs” is what I like to call him.

And yesterday we were together, and it was great, and he was great and he was great today too. And my insecurities just showed their ugly head, like they couldn’t just go to sleep for just this once.

We were talking like we do every day and then I said something which was totally insecure … and he closed up!

Naturally! We had this easy, comfortable, flirty flow—and I went and spoiled it.

I’m not a psycho, though it would seem so to the unaware. You see, we have history together; he didn’t used to be so cool every other time we were together before. What was like was … one minute I was … in Hawaii (bear with me!) on a beautiful, sunny beach, in the arms of a gorgeous, sexy, hot, considerate guy and the next day I was suddenly in Alaska! That’s exactly how I felt it! Like he was two people in one! I couldn’t deal with it. It hurt me and it confused me and frankly … it totally turned me off. So I talked with him about it. And he was all comforting, but I didn’t think it would make any difference to him really.

But today, he showed me that he did take it into account. And he was with me just the way I like us to be. And I couldn’t just go with it. I had to spoil it!

It wasn’t a conscious process mind you. I didn’t just think: “Okay, now, lets say something stupid, that shows I’m insecure about the situation, just for the fun of it!” But that’s how these things work, don’t they?! All our fears and past hurts are “saved” in that file in the archive folder of our mind and they come back just when we think that we forgot about them and moved on! Past insecurities that come back to hunt us.

It happens to me a lot! Like I’m afraid to believe it when a good thing happens to me. Or when things go the way I want. Psycologists would say that I don’t believe that I deserve it. And that I’m reluctant to accept it because of fear of getting hurt. It’s probably all of the above! Or maybe I just like self-destruct! The drama of it all!

Realizing it though is the first step to stop it from happening again. So I’m glad I do. Next time maybe I won’t be so reluctant to accept good. And maybe, maybe, I‘ll manage to hold myself back … and just enjoy being happy!

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