Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbies for the Central Coast:
1. Santa Barbara Barbie—This princess Barbie comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign dog named Honey, and a million-dollar home. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
2. Oceano Barbie—This recently-paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark-tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark, and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills), unless you’re a cop, in which case we don’t know what you’re talking about.
4. Cambria Barbie—This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her very own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Closeted Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
5. Orcutt Barbie—This collagen-injected, rhino-procedured Barbie wears a leopard-print outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining her friends. Accessories include Percocet prescription and newly-built condo.
6. San Luis Obispo Barbie—This doll is made from real tofu. She comes with long, straight, brown hair, flat feet, hairy armpits, and no makeup. Her ensemble features Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Highland Square Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
7. Atascadero Barbie—She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Ken is because he’s always at church meetings.