Why is it that we try so hard to hold onto what we know we should let go??
It has been only a couple of months that have gone by since we last saw each other. It feels like forever to my heavy heart. I know I need to let him go and I keep telling myself that it will get better with time but each day that goes by it seems harder to get up in the morning and go about my daily activities. So it’s time to get some extra help, medically speaking and turn to my sister to talk this out.
We met when we were fourteen, we’re only two months apart in age. He was visiting cousins, my neighbors, and says he fell in love that summer and has remained in love ever since. Or at least has never forgotten me. We remained in contact via letters for a few years, but I moved and he moved and we lost contact, got on with our lives, got married, had kids—although not necessarily in that order. He would cross my mind every so often, and apparently I crossed his mind a lot.
We got back in contact not long ago and initially he professed his feelings as we got caught up with each other and what we had been doing with our lives. I let him know we couldn’t talk that way, it wasn’t right and so we promised to just be friends. But even over email and the phone the attraction was still there, the similar backgrounds, the having so much in common. We couldn’t help ourselves and I think we both knew it was headed for disaster but we couldn’t let go of each other, of what we had found. I know for me I had never felt the way I felt for him for anyone—not even my husband. And I didn’t want to give that up. I still don’t want to give that up.
The first time we met in person was for only fifteen minutes or so. We hugged hello, talked for a bit, I mean we already knew what was going on in each other’s lives so it was mainly just small talk and checking each other out. After all we hadn’t seen each other since we were seventeen or so. We talked and then it happened. He leaned in quickly and kissed me—once, then twice and then said “I’m sorry.” I responded, “No. You’re not,” and he kissed me again. That time was just a little longer. Shortly after we hugged good-bye and went our separate ways. I didn’t want that hug to end. I wanted him to hold me until the universe ended. I couldn’t sleep at all that night and barely slept the next night. I had never experienced that with anyone before.
We remained in contact through phone, email, and text. I must tell you before I go on that we never had on-line sex. Yes, comments were made, such as “I really want you” but that was as far as it went in that direction. The connection was just there. I can’t even explain it to this day, it was just there. We arranged to meet again a couple of months later when I would be in town. We weren’t sure it would happen, if it should happen. At the last moment he asked if I would mind if we met at a hotel. I wasn’t sure if that should happen, but I didn’t object, so we did. We talked a bit and then like that we were together, touching, kissing, soon clothes were off and skin was touching skin. And it felt good. He wanted to go farther, but I couldn’t go there. It was too soon and happening too fast. So we didn’t have intercourse. I didn’t want to go then either, but I had to. That was the last time I saw him.
I told my husband everything when I returned home. I was prepared to leave, had everything planned out, because I didn’t know what his reaction would be. Needless to say, I didn’t leave, he didn’t kick me out—which I think he should have done. I no longer talk to him. One of my husband’s requirements was that I cut off communication with him and he has respected that. I miss him terribly and feel that a part of me is missing. And I know I do not deserve the husband I have. He is really good to me and tries hard to make me happy, but I know in my heart that I don’t love him the way a wife should. But I’m trying too to make it work and trying to work on myself at the same time and trying to love him. It’s hard. Knowing I love someone else while being with my husband.
Throughout my life I’ve given up a lot of myself to the wishes of others and I now I know I can no longer live that way. So I’m saying no to others and beginning to do things that make me happy for a change and letting my relationship with my husband work itself out.
I don’t know if I will ever see him again or talk to him again or if things will be the same between us—I hope they will. I hope that he finds a measure of happiness in his life. He says that if it was meant to be then it will happen … but I believe you have to make your own future because the future doesn’t just make itself. So I will slowly let him go and try to get clarity on my actions and move on.