From October through February, we are bombarded with images of harvest fun, Martha Stewart Thanksgiving spreads, Christmas cheer, New Years resolutions, and the single girls all time dreaded holiday, Valentine’s Day! The mere sight of a greeting card or a box of chocolate is enough to send any single girl straight to a cold martini and fuzzy pajamas for weeks. 

For years, I have looked to the holiday season with great hope and high expectations. I try to put out of my mind last year’s Thanksgiving fiasco as I head into this year. The vision of my Aunt, Mother, and Grandma all crying in the kitchen over the gravy still haunts me. It started out as just a harmless pinch of salt and turned into … you never loved me as much as you loved her! 

So this year I have a plan. I am going to enter into this holiday season with my eyes half shut, a stiff drink, and a sense of humor. So for all of you who are hopeful for this holiday season, follow these simple rules to make sure you are never let down again, and remember to laugh because they are your family and there is nothing you can do about it! 

1. Every holiday should begin with booze. Before you put the turkey in the oven and before your mother-in-law tells you how dry it is, wet your whistle with an adult beverage. Behold—I give you the recipe for the world’s best cosmo.                

Perfect Cosmo
1.5 shot of premium vodka
.5 shot of triple sec
6oz cranberry juice
Martini shaker half full with crushed ice and shake it baby
Finish with fresh squeeze of lemon
Repeat if needed

2. Before your guests arrive, be sure to have seating placement cards. This will insure that you are where you want to be: close to the door and the liquor cabinet, just in case the mother vs. mother-in-law cage match gets repeated. It will also insure that conversation flows smoothly and your husband does not sit next to the turkey.

3. Lets discuss the menu—keep it simple. Stick to the basics: mashed taters, veggie tray, pumpkin pie, and turkey. A giant family gathering is never the time to try that new soy-vegan delight you found in one of those healthy magazines. It opens the doors for rude comments from granny like, “Someone left the cat food on the table.” Stick to the recipes you know best, the crowd pleasers. 

3. Never try to do it alone! What do you think you had kids for? I found my seven-year-old is one heck of a potato peeler! Believe it or not, your husband can cook when there is no BBQ around. How do you think he feeds himself when you’re not there? Ask for help and ask often.

4. Before the in laws arrive, find time between stuffing the bird and setting the table to energize and warm up with your morning cup of joe … with a twist!

Hot Buttered Coffee
10oz of fresh coffee
1.5 shot of Bailys Irish Cream
1 shot of butterscotch schnapps
Top with whip cream & cinnamon
Repeat if needed

5. Be sure to have a game or activity planned. If dinner is not ready on time, or your family is hanging around the kitchen like a bunch of vultures eyeing the turkey, distract them with a game of charades or Pictionary. Our family favorite is “Find Grandma’s Dentures.” It will help you focus and buy you some time to finish up.

6. Make time for yourself to look spectacular! At many a holiday gathering, I was sitting at the table in my robe with mashed potatoes in my hair. The meal was great but everyone was whispering, “Wow, she’s really let herself go.” So devote some time in the morning after your bird is cooking to make yourself look fabulous. It will make you feel better and you won’t have to relive those nasty pictures of you in your PJs with yesterday’s mascara all over your face!

7. This is not a restaurant! You do not need three extra chefs, four line cooks, a manager, a gravy salter, and a gravy resalter! Keep nosy Aunt Kathy and her cooking for arthritis cookbook out of your kitchen. It will lower your stress level and keep the peace if you keep the kitchen clear of any and all unsolicited cooking advice. Be polite but be firm; it’s your kitchen. People do want to help, so it’s a good idea to leave something small for the busy bodies to do like load the dishwasher, or look for grandma’s dentures.

 8. Wow … this is a lot of work. You need another drink!

Mojito Magic
1.5 shot of premium rum
Juice of 1small lime
5 crushed mint leaves
10 oz of 7up if you like it sweet or 10 oz of club soda if you like it tart
Combine with crushed ice and stir gently
Garnish with lime wedge and mint leaves
Repeat if needed

9. For goodness sakes, clean your bathroom! No one needs to see your dirty underwear, tampon wrappers, or clumps of toothpaste in your sink!

10. Don’t take anything personal. You know your Grandma will say there is too much salt, you know your Sister doesn’t eat meat, and you know your Mother hides insults in her advice. Let it all go! Let it roll off your back. Besides, you should be drunk by now anyway, and if you’re not, what the heck are you waiting for?

11. Be thankful … remember why you are all here. Before your family sits down to eat all your hardwork, sleepless nights, and half your husband’s paycheck, ask everyone to say one thing that they are thankful for. It will be a great start to a great meal!

12. Sounds like a good time for a toast—your glass is empty! Fill ’er up!

T’s Fizztini
1.5 shot of premium vodka
2oz white grapejuice 
Squeeze of fresh lemon
Combine in shaker with crushed ice
Pour in wine glass over crushed ice and 2oz chilled soda
1 shot of Chambord liquor on top, which will sink to the bottom
Repeat if needed

13. Have a good time! By now, you should be feeling no pain, so laugh and smile because it’s almost over and they will be leaving soon! But remember … Christmas is just around the corner and they will be back!

Happy Holidays!