Judgments and Rejections. They have shaped the person I have become, but I have never figured out how to get over the hold it has on me.
When I was about twelve years old I went to church camp every summer and loved it. I had grown close to a few girls and every year we decided together we were going to go back. During this particular summer, I was in the group of pre-teens. That meant catty girl drama and lusting over cute boys at the lake. They held a dance for the whole camp one night and I had never been to a dance before, therefore I couldn’t contain my excitement. I was having so much fun with my friends dancing, until I accidentally stepped on this boys’ foot. In front of everyone, this guy yells, “The fat chick stepped on my foot!” He made a big scene hopping around grabbing his foot and screaming in agony over how much it hurt.
This particular incident, I have found out, is what I keep hanging on to and keep thinking about! It has set me up to perceive men as people that will hurt me, to the core. I have even had trouble worrying about what my own brother thinks about me.
A couple weeks ago, I was sexually harassed on campus walking back from class. This group of about five black guys made sexual advances to me when I walk by. Usually, I try to ignore them, but today they decide to throw a football at me and call me a bitch. I almost cried as I picked up my walking pace. They don’t even know me. How can someone be so hurtful.
Even just tonight, as I was walking to my car, a guy came up to me and asked me for a condom. Are you serious? Who does this? Not that he was mean, but are you kidding me. Also tonight, I got a call from one of my good friend that I worked at fat camp with. She said that one of her friends didn’t believe that we worked there, so they wanted to talk to me. It was a guy (just my luck) and the first thing that he asked me was, “Are you fat?” Even if I was, would it matter?
Reading this, I hope you understand why my perception of guys is so low. I feel like I attract the lowest of low. I have had some very terrible past “relationships” with other guys during my high school years and now that I’m in college, it’s time to get past all of this. I am in therapy for an eating disorder based off of the camp situation above. Ever since that moment I feel that every guy judges me in that way. Oh, she’s the fat chick, yuck. I have started to believe that what that kid said, ten years ago, might be right. I still feel like that chubby twelve-year-old girl, like guys won’t like me unless I’m thin and beautiful.
It has been a rough road traveled to be going through an eating disorder, therapy, and trying to maintain grades and be active in my sorority house. I am a dietetics major, so I get a lot of information about different diets and nutrition that will make our bodies change, hopefully for the better. As I keep leaning and becoming more adaptive to this career I realize that I have taken for granted what is in front of me. I have not done very well in my schoolwork because I have an eating disorder and it consumes my thoughts. I just hope that I get an internship after I graduate. I noticed working on a diabetes project today that I was so centered and focused and I didn’t think about my problems or eating. It was so amazing to realize that! I finally feel like being a dietician is what I’m supposed to do!
I just had an advising meeting and he was so nice to inform me that my grades were too low and I may need to retake some courses to get an internship. This was devastating news. I study as much as I can. I don’t go out with my sorority sisters because I’m studying till the wee hours of the morning on Friday night. My ultimate goal is to go to Vanderbilt for my internship and to have someone crush that dream just sends my self-esteem to the lowest point it can go. I still have one more year to go to find out if any internship will be possible.
I’m ready for my life to take off, to let these past experiences leave my mind and go full speed ahead. I’m ready to help people get healthy, like I’m trying to. I want to stop letting other people’s judgments and rejections affect the way I think about myself. I’m ready for an extraordinary life filled with confidence and determination. How do I get there?